Am I still around? Am I still living in pain while I die of laughter? Uh.... yes? Yes.... yes. But the low and high points have rounded off a bit.... My emotions have become monotone .... but that was the whole point, wasn't it. Isn't that what he wanted? He has broken off the highs and lows -- Our bodies and minds are so amazing. They protect us, even when we don't try to protect ourselves. I could not have continued on with the depths of emotion that I used to feel ... for him. Sadly, I only love him half as much as I did. But why do I love him at all?
In this monotone new emotional wasteland I have carved out for myself has afforded me great advantages over the crying, unhinged woman I was.... and should have been allowed to remain ... but my mind took over, seeing that I was not capable of shifting gears myself. It happened while in emotional autopilot. I never even felt it happen -- but I woke up one day, unable to cry for him, about him, over him.... just unable to look at him the same. He seems to like it better this way.... who wants some woman (their wife) to be so in love with them? That's crazy talk there!! Ugh.... What has become normal to me is absolutely 100% against everything I have ever believed or wanted to believe.
He told me, convinced me, that I was his soulmate -- but now, I have convinced myself that he is not. He surely has felt that way all along -- but I think he wished that perhaps I could BECOME his soulmate if he pretended it to be true...
Soulmates are not created by ourselves. Soulmate is that feeling you have upon meeting someone that you have always known them, in some way, some familiarity of their face or even just their smile. You feel drawn to it. You feel as though you have known them forever .... But how many times have we all been fooled into thinking this?
I almost married Andy -- so close. The love I felt for him, or should I say "love", was intense. I could see my past and my future right in his blue eyes. He looked at me like no one has ever looked at me. He treated me like a princess. I felt so loved. I felt like I had found the place where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.... But as our lives played out over several years, it became apparent that again I had stupidly fallen based on my emotions... Looking back I could barely see what happened through all the red flags between myself and the person I thought I was when I was with him. He was married when we met -- and he left his wife immediately -- once his balls became large enough to admit to me that he was married. That red flag should have cracked me right in the ass -- knocked some sense into me... But it didn't.... Long story, but he was a fake. Perhaps the love really was there -- and I know that he did truly love me and that he still does -- but he was fake all around -- I fell in love with someone that wasn't even him, but was what he wanted to be -- but couldn't.
Anyway, my point is, we are all foolish -- we have no clue what our souls have been through, or who they have known.... they probably have never known anyone... I would have never said that a year and a half ago, but I am saying it now.
I am skeptical of everything.
Nothing is as it appears.
Trust no one.
Sad, but all true.
As I live in a world where I receive no unsought attention, where no one thinks of me and my feelings first, where no one makes me feel loved or wanted ... I continue forward, because I know at least what direction to go. I just wish I could migrate there with someone who felt like my best friend. Someone who would look over to find my hand, or someone who cared enough to just look back at my face and see my pain and distrust -- someone who would stop our journey together and refuse to move another minute unless I felt better, felt loved. He likes me to feel unloved - makes him feel better than me. Makes him justify his lack of respect -- because I do not show any respect for myself....
My improvements are tiny, recognized only by myself. But I have improved. I am gathering strength within this life and this relationship -- because I have no other choice. But it doesn't matter what the reason is, as long as I gain strength. That strength will either make or break this relationship net I am tangled in. Sometimes my strength seems to make him like me more. Maybe? But who wants to have to figure it out, find the answers to the puzzle. Who makes someone work so hard for so little?
I know who does -- a man who is in love with someone else, a man who resents his life every single day of it because this isn't where he wants to be. But he doesn't want to be without it either -- because loneliness would be worse for him, I guess. But how fair is that to me? I say to him, "Please, please -- Just be true to your heart and leave if you don't love me. Let me go out and find what I thought I found in you. My dreams are to be in love, to feel loved ... its not fair to hold me back from that. I only have one life...
But he stays... does that mean he loves me? But why doesn't he love me like he used to love her? Makes me sick.... Makes me want out.... Strengthens me....
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Still living, still laughing....
Checking in.... nothing has changed.... well at least not for more than a half a day... I tried to explain to my love yesterday that (still no sex, in case anyone was wondering....) if neither of us are being fulfilled emotionally or physically, then really we are just friends -- and not very good friends either most of the time. I suggested that it probably was not healthy to stay together if we are just going to be friends. I explained how everyday I feel resentful and by the time I go to bed every night, I am hating him all over again....
I think he genuinely is far weaker inside than he allows me to see. Most of the time I see this mean, cold, venomous man who shoots venom on me at every chance -- but sometimes when the venom is heading towards him and not away from him, he tends to show his weaker, more needy side. I truly feel capable of walking away from him now.... and I don't want to seem like I am just lying in wait for him to fuck up so I can walk without guilt -- but I just have such serious doubts that he can continue to be kind or at all loving (I don't require much really....) that I am kind of just watching and thinking and planning ahead. I have never been torn down to nothing as I have allowed this man to tear me. Words like asshole, fucking asshole, fuck-up, loser, paranoid, insane, fucking crazy -- are commonly used terms by the man who I call my love..... my hate is my love.... weird.... I used to feel this bond to this man -- as if from another time or place -- and he told me he felt it -- but he obviously was wrong... and so was I. How disappointing.... I still want to believe it -- still hoping he might realize his true love is really for me afterall....
Yes, I am a dreamer.... and an asshole, fucking asshole, loser, fuckup.....
Sorry - not much time to chat... too much on my mind...
PS: i am a brunette these days. just for a couple of days now -- but its temporary. Letting my dark side show for a bit? Yep....
XXOO
I think he genuinely is far weaker inside than he allows me to see. Most of the time I see this mean, cold, venomous man who shoots venom on me at every chance -- but sometimes when the venom is heading towards him and not away from him, he tends to show his weaker, more needy side. I truly feel capable of walking away from him now.... and I don't want to seem like I am just lying in wait for him to fuck up so I can walk without guilt -- but I just have such serious doubts that he can continue to be kind or at all loving (I don't require much really....) that I am kind of just watching and thinking and planning ahead. I have never been torn down to nothing as I have allowed this man to tear me. Words like asshole, fucking asshole, fuck-up, loser, paranoid, insane, fucking crazy -- are commonly used terms by the man who I call my love..... my hate is my love.... weird.... I used to feel this bond to this man -- as if from another time or place -- and he told me he felt it -- but he obviously was wrong... and so was I. How disappointing.... I still want to believe it -- still hoping he might realize his true love is really for me afterall....
Yes, I am a dreamer.... and an asshole, fucking asshole, loser, fuckup.....
Sorry - not much time to chat... too much on my mind...
PS: i am a brunette these days. just for a couple of days now -- but its temporary. Letting my dark side show for a bit? Yep....
XXOO
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To him, my soul is an unwanted sole.....
Good morning, Blogger.... And a beautiful, late summer morning it is. Soon the mountain that is my back yard will be full of reds and orange -- but for now, it is a beautiful, rich green.
So.... I'm discussing the beauty around me and not bitching .... no, it's not because my husband finally made love to me. He hasn't.... No, it's not because I hit the lottery ... still in foreclosure actually. All the same issues are around me, but like an old sweater, it is comfortable and perhaps is what keeps me warm. My pain is the common thread that has kept me together. I live each day needing .... like a mental hunger I can't feed alone, but need to be given the food. And I can't ask for the food that I need -- because it pushes him further away. Just knowing that I need "anything" at all just seems to push him away. To maintain any kind of respect from him, I must walk around with my head held high, shoulders back, showing confidence -- it keeps him tame... or at least tamer.... (is that an adjective, or just a noun -- lion tamer, wife tamer....)
But inside I fight with myself constantly. I want to collapse at his feet and sob to him, "Please, please stop torturing me. Please love me the way that I love you!" But this would completely disgust this man. Right now he has the need to inflict pain upon me, talk in circles, not be where he says he is going to be -- and he likes when I notice it -- and he gives vague answers. He actually TRIES to imply that he is up to something.... And I TRY to act like I don't care.
But there is one change I would like to report, and am happy to report ... I have begun the long tedious process of releasing from him. It actually started a while ago ... it started the day I drove my son, alone, to an alcohol rehab facility a few hours away. I had asked him to please be supportive because it was so hard for me to do for my baby boy ... but no necessary. As my husband, and as my son's step father, I really needed him. He does tend to pull through during my times of deepest despair ... at least he used to. But he didn't. And I felt him trying to slip out of the house, any excuse, so that he could conveniently not go along.... And when I faced it and called him on his cell phone to confirm my suspicions, he was so mean to me. He told me that he had no respect for my son and had no interest in being part of it. He then made a statement as to the quality of my parenting leading to this moment all along. That was a hard pill to swallow, and not one I am prepared to swallow alone. A lot of factors go into the parenting of all children, and especially mine. Their father has been gone for almost ten years, leaving me alone to do the best I can -- but my mistakes have affected us all. But not for lack of love, or lack of concern. But the abandonment I felt, especially as I drove back home alone .... I could barely drive as I sobbed for the first hour and a half in the car. But the tears turned to anger for a bit, and then to determination. There was no denying, not even to myself, that this man's love was either non-existent, or just something that I was not interested in working so hard for any longer.
That was the beginning of my release....
I arrived home with swollen eyes, but with a new determination .... But every time I thought of my son, tears found their way back down my cheeks.... And then, wondering what my husband was doing the whole time I was gone, I looked at his cell phone, only to see that he had tried to make contact with an ex-girlfriend while I was doing what was so difficult.... How could he? Why would he? Is it as clear to you as it is to me? This man does not love me -- not in the way that ANYONE would want to be loved? It's crazy ... and very sad.
But since that day, since seeing that and reacting to it, he has locked his phone and he deletes all his calls and text messages. He keeps his computer password protected at all times, erasing his history each and every time he is on it. He leaves for hours and hours and goes to "his house", where he also gets on his computer.
Thank GOD I have at least released my attachment to him a little bit ... And I release more and more everyday as I actually watch myself be humiliated. Yet, some part of me must still want to believe I am wrong -- because I do the acting that he requires -- acting like I don't care, shoulders back, head high..... not being true to my real feelings or emotions. My "real" feelings and emotions are now becoming as one with my acting requirements. Something about acting like I don't care has started to take a hold of me for real. He is transforming me into what will become someone he ultimately can no longer control. His narcissistic ways are beginning to disgust me. His evasion of me and any intimacy has truly been a turnoff and sometimes I fear that he will actually approach me to be intimate -- because there are times when I would really have to slip into yet another acting role to pretend that I want to be intimate with him.
But ... there's always a but with me.... or a butt with me .... There is still a part of me who walks with her shoulders slumped over, looking downward as I walk through my life, wishing he would snap out of this and become who he said he was when I met him. But my theory is this:
He really was who he pretended to be -- it wasn't an act at first. He really had slipped back into his role of being with "The One". It's like Cinderella trying on the shoe, seeing if it fits, at first feeling like maybe it did fit, but quickly realizing this was not the shoe she had been wearing, but feeling obligated to continue to wear this shoe that only hurts and reminds her of the wonderful shoe she used to wear -- not this fake image of a shoe.... So although I was myself all along, he tried to make me something else, "The One", and now I shall spend eternity feeling as though I do not fit, and being punished for not fitting perfectly into the role of "The One." Silly man -- he doesn't even know who "The One" really is.... His new shoe is lovely, a wonderful shoe that anyone else would be proud to wear, a shoe that required care and love to keep the fit perfect .... but he looks down at me, his ill-fitting shoe, and doesn't recognize it for its truth... Reminding me everyday that I will never be good enough....
"Yeah, you might be a shoe, and do kind of fit, but you are so lacking and so tattered, you are lucky that I walk around and step on you everyday.... lucky that I tolerate what you lack ... because I have had shoes twice as good as you and now as I dwell on thinking of my other shoes as my life passes me by, I shall punish your soul until I magically appear back in the "sole" of a real shoe.....
So.... I'm discussing the beauty around me and not bitching .... no, it's not because my husband finally made love to me. He hasn't.... No, it's not because I hit the lottery ... still in foreclosure actually. All the same issues are around me, but like an old sweater, it is comfortable and perhaps is what keeps me warm. My pain is the common thread that has kept me together. I live each day needing .... like a mental hunger I can't feed alone, but need to be given the food. And I can't ask for the food that I need -- because it pushes him further away. Just knowing that I need "anything" at all just seems to push him away. To maintain any kind of respect from him, I must walk around with my head held high, shoulders back, showing confidence -- it keeps him tame... or at least tamer.... (is that an adjective, or just a noun -- lion tamer, wife tamer....)
But inside I fight with myself constantly. I want to collapse at his feet and sob to him, "Please, please stop torturing me. Please love me the way that I love you!" But this would completely disgust this man. Right now he has the need to inflict pain upon me, talk in circles, not be where he says he is going to be -- and he likes when I notice it -- and he gives vague answers. He actually TRIES to imply that he is up to something.... And I TRY to act like I don't care.
But there is one change I would like to report, and am happy to report ... I have begun the long tedious process of releasing from him. It actually started a while ago ... it started the day I drove my son, alone, to an alcohol rehab facility a few hours away. I had asked him to please be supportive because it was so hard for me to do for my baby boy ... but no necessary. As my husband, and as my son's step father, I really needed him. He does tend to pull through during my times of deepest despair ... at least he used to. But he didn't. And I felt him trying to slip out of the house, any excuse, so that he could conveniently not go along.... And when I faced it and called him on his cell phone to confirm my suspicions, he was so mean to me. He told me that he had no respect for my son and had no interest in being part of it. He then made a statement as to the quality of my parenting leading to this moment all along. That was a hard pill to swallow, and not one I am prepared to swallow alone. A lot of factors go into the parenting of all children, and especially mine. Their father has been gone for almost ten years, leaving me alone to do the best I can -- but my mistakes have affected us all. But not for lack of love, or lack of concern. But the abandonment I felt, especially as I drove back home alone .... I could barely drive as I sobbed for the first hour and a half in the car. But the tears turned to anger for a bit, and then to determination. There was no denying, not even to myself, that this man's love was either non-existent, or just something that I was not interested in working so hard for any longer.
That was the beginning of my release....
I arrived home with swollen eyes, but with a new determination .... But every time I thought of my son, tears found their way back down my cheeks.... And then, wondering what my husband was doing the whole time I was gone, I looked at his cell phone, only to see that he had tried to make contact with an ex-girlfriend while I was doing what was so difficult.... How could he? Why would he? Is it as clear to you as it is to me? This man does not love me -- not in the way that ANYONE would want to be loved? It's crazy ... and very sad.
But since that day, since seeing that and reacting to it, he has locked his phone and he deletes all his calls and text messages. He keeps his computer password protected at all times, erasing his history each and every time he is on it. He leaves for hours and hours and goes to "his house", where he also gets on his computer.
Thank GOD I have at least released my attachment to him a little bit ... And I release more and more everyday as I actually watch myself be humiliated. Yet, some part of me must still want to believe I am wrong -- because I do the acting that he requires -- acting like I don't care, shoulders back, head high..... not being true to my real feelings or emotions. My "real" feelings and emotions are now becoming as one with my acting requirements. Something about acting like I don't care has started to take a hold of me for real. He is transforming me into what will become someone he ultimately can no longer control. His narcissistic ways are beginning to disgust me. His evasion of me and any intimacy has truly been a turnoff and sometimes I fear that he will actually approach me to be intimate -- because there are times when I would really have to slip into yet another acting role to pretend that I want to be intimate with him.
But ... there's always a but with me.... or a butt with me .... There is still a part of me who walks with her shoulders slumped over, looking downward as I walk through my life, wishing he would snap out of this and become who he said he was when I met him. But my theory is this:
He really was who he pretended to be -- it wasn't an act at first. He really had slipped back into his role of being with "The One". It's like Cinderella trying on the shoe, seeing if it fits, at first feeling like maybe it did fit, but quickly realizing this was not the shoe she had been wearing, but feeling obligated to continue to wear this shoe that only hurts and reminds her of the wonderful shoe she used to wear -- not this fake image of a shoe.... So although I was myself all along, he tried to make me something else, "The One", and now I shall spend eternity feeling as though I do not fit, and being punished for not fitting perfectly into the role of "The One." Silly man -- he doesn't even know who "The One" really is.... His new shoe is lovely, a wonderful shoe that anyone else would be proud to wear, a shoe that required care and love to keep the fit perfect .... but he looks down at me, his ill-fitting shoe, and doesn't recognize it for its truth... Reminding me everyday that I will never be good enough....
"Yeah, you might be a shoe, and do kind of fit, but you are so lacking and so tattered, you are lucky that I walk around and step on you everyday.... lucky that I tolerate what you lack ... because I have had shoes twice as good as you and now as I dwell on thinking of my other shoes as my life passes me by, I shall punish your soul until I magically appear back in the "sole" of a real shoe.....
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Feeling a lot like.... the same? shit.....
Yes, the same-old, same-old .... that is all I can seem to do with my life. Same feelings, same whining, -- but perhaps with a new twist -- a new man I will blame for the pain..... but it is their fault, isn't it?? No? Seriously!
But guess what, despite my occasional lapses of stupidity -- I truly do believe that it is NOT MY FAULT! Adults need to be accountable for their own actions, including the men who tell me that they love me. My latest "True Love", my husband, who I have felt a love for unlike anything I have ever experienced -- he rejects all emotions and feelings that connect to anything that is me... What keeps him from connecting.... afraid he may actuaally find an insubordinate role in this relationship we have attempted to carve out over the last 24 months, that feel sometimes like 24 years....
I have never felt closer to walking.... yet I continue to hold out, waiting to see how the show ends... does it end? When faced with the possibility, my beloved seems to be uncomfortable with it. But why? Would it not improve all those aspects of his life that he holds me responsible for reuining? Is it not soon going to be autumn, and is he not still hopeful that his life will return to the ridiculous image that it was several years ago, when "the one" (truly a slut with a heart of a cold fish -- probably a pirhana.... " and by the way -- she is now FAT -- probably kind of gross, but I'm just sayin'......
How immature of me to be unfairly critical of another woman -- another creature who endures the woman bullshit that plagues us all.... so I am sorry -- no offense to the FAT woman who actually owns my husband's heart and soul -- only because he's fucked up in his head..... "I want to be mean to those who care about me and treat me like a man, like a human -- yet I am still in love with the ones who lie, cheat, and treat me like an asshole.... Those were the days.... I never felt like such an asshole ever .... wish she'd come back and convince me that she is honest, only to make a complete fucking moron out of me -- she was worth it.... the perfect kiss ever.... so perfect I can't even make love to the wife I lied to and promised to love until death." Or should I say Deth (if you recall an earlier post..... quite symbolic of how much of an ass I AM!!!!! )
What could possibly be the reason to lie about such a thing, to try to convince me of its validity??? Is he simply afraid to be alone?
We had another wicked -ass fight a couple nights ago. I can honestly recall it all, and I can say with all the honestly in the world that I did not deserve what I got during that little episode. I didn't deserve the blows to my side to knock the wind out of me -- I didn't deserve the "you are a fucking asshole" "Shut your fucking mouth, asshole" statements -- but those don't even phase me anymore. That's like a gnat flying near my face -- NOTHING!!! I didn't deserve to be kicked as I crawled from him on the floor, trying to leave the room he occupied in his very obnoxious, violent way..... but that escape would enrage him .. cause him to treat me like I was a bad dog, crawling after doing its "business" on the floor.... but I didn't. I didn't spew any business in his direction - but I did question him. I did actually voice a real opinion that was "spawned" inside the brain de me..... He hates those. He doesn't like when I have them....
He is afrfaid of me? Afraid of losing me, so he drives me off first? Kind of like, wishing that if I am not in love anymore, that perhaps I join the list of proverbial "car accident" victims -- like the last.... its much easier to explain that someone is dead, than it is to admit they just don't love you anymore.
My heart aches for you, my beloved husband. It does. It aches because I am with you, and it aches even more because I endure you. You would respect me more if I didn't endure you -- if I REFUSED to fucking endure you.....
He is as many things as he isn't many things.... it is a conflict ... he is a conflict, as am I. Is this what we hold in common? Is this what bonds us -- the fact that we have nothing with with to bond -- because we have loved ourselves into the ground with which we will someday join as our bodies rot into the Earth .... never remembering the love we gave or the pain we caused.....
My journey continues..... thanks for hanging by my side..... no one COULD ever love you the way I do -- if I knew you.... I love harder, laugh louder, yet cry with more pain than anyone you have ever known or ever read about in books ..... I die a thousand deaths everyday in my mind.... longing to join my mind out there in the great "white" open that I believe death to be ... or should I say Deth. Fuck you, Deth, for being the object of my husband's attention -- the attention that I once had, until he learned how to hate me better than anyone could hate anyone.
So, just die Deth.... Just die my husband ... But don't.... Don't really ... I just feel horrible venting, but feel so incredible venting.... my life is turmoil.
Turmoil.
turmoil.....
TURMOIL>>>>>>>......
Hate.... pain ..... death..... suicide .... Deth.....
Please offer me some strength -- someone, anyone???
But guess what, despite my occasional lapses of stupidity -- I truly do believe that it is NOT MY FAULT! Adults need to be accountable for their own actions, including the men who tell me that they love me. My latest "True Love", my husband, who I have felt a love for unlike anything I have ever experienced -- he rejects all emotions and feelings that connect to anything that is me... What keeps him from connecting.... afraid he may actuaally find an insubordinate role in this relationship we have attempted to carve out over the last 24 months, that feel sometimes like 24 years....
I have never felt closer to walking.... yet I continue to hold out, waiting to see how the show ends... does it end? When faced with the possibility, my beloved seems to be uncomfortable with it. But why? Would it not improve all those aspects of his life that he holds me responsible for reuining? Is it not soon going to be autumn, and is he not still hopeful that his life will return to the ridiculous image that it was several years ago, when "the one" (truly a slut with a heart of a cold fish -- probably a pirhana.... " and by the way -- she is now FAT -- probably kind of gross, but I'm just sayin'......
How immature of me to be unfairly critical of another woman -- another creature who endures the woman bullshit that plagues us all.... so I am sorry -- no offense to the FAT woman who actually owns my husband's heart and soul -- only because he's fucked up in his head..... "I want to be mean to those who care about me and treat me like a man, like a human -- yet I am still in love with the ones who lie, cheat, and treat me like an asshole.... Those were the days.... I never felt like such an asshole ever .... wish she'd come back and convince me that she is honest, only to make a complete fucking moron out of me -- she was worth it.... the perfect kiss ever.... so perfect I can't even make love to the wife I lied to and promised to love until death." Or should I say Deth (if you recall an earlier post..... quite symbolic of how much of an ass I AM!!!!! )
What could possibly be the reason to lie about such a thing, to try to convince me of its validity??? Is he simply afraid to be alone?
We had another wicked -ass fight a couple nights ago. I can honestly recall it all, and I can say with all the honestly in the world that I did not deserve what I got during that little episode. I didn't deserve the blows to my side to knock the wind out of me -- I didn't deserve the "you are a fucking asshole" "Shut your fucking mouth, asshole" statements -- but those don't even phase me anymore. That's like a gnat flying near my face -- NOTHING!!! I didn't deserve to be kicked as I crawled from him on the floor, trying to leave the room he occupied in his very obnoxious, violent way..... but that escape would enrage him .. cause him to treat me like I was a bad dog, crawling after doing its "business" on the floor.... but I didn't. I didn't spew any business in his direction - but I did question him. I did actually voice a real opinion that was "spawned" inside the brain de me..... He hates those. He doesn't like when I have them....
He is afrfaid of me? Afraid of losing me, so he drives me off first? Kind of like, wishing that if I am not in love anymore, that perhaps I join the list of proverbial "car accident" victims -- like the last.... its much easier to explain that someone is dead, than it is to admit they just don't love you anymore.
My heart aches for you, my beloved husband. It does. It aches because I am with you, and it aches even more because I endure you. You would respect me more if I didn't endure you -- if I REFUSED to fucking endure you.....
He is as many things as he isn't many things.... it is a conflict ... he is a conflict, as am I. Is this what we hold in common? Is this what bonds us -- the fact that we have nothing with with to bond -- because we have loved ourselves into the ground with which we will someday join as our bodies rot into the Earth .... never remembering the love we gave or the pain we caused.....
My journey continues..... thanks for hanging by my side..... no one COULD ever love you the way I do -- if I knew you.... I love harder, laugh louder, yet cry with more pain than anyone you have ever known or ever read about in books ..... I die a thousand deaths everyday in my mind.... longing to join my mind out there in the great "white" open that I believe death to be ... or should I say Deth. Fuck you, Deth, for being the object of my husband's attention -- the attention that I once had, until he learned how to hate me better than anyone could hate anyone.
So, just die Deth.... Just die my husband ... But don't.... Don't really ... I just feel horrible venting, but feel so incredible venting.... my life is turmoil.
Turmoil.
turmoil.....
TURMOIL>>>>>>>......
Hate.... pain ..... death..... suicide .... Deth.....
Please offer me some strength -- someone, anyone???
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Obviously....
I have no respect for myself anymore.... I have taken him back -- without an apology... without anything.... he is acting like he can't remember a thing again .... but I know he does. But he is not sorry. He is probably amazed at how much I am taking.... I think he's trying to make me go, and the more I DON'T, the less he respects me.... I don't blame him....
This is all part of the pattern -- the pattern all men I meet become. Soon, I will be tired of his bullshit and it will be so easy for me to walk off.... and that is when he will realize how he "TRULY" feels -- he didn't realize how much he really loved me until I left.... happens every time. And there is no satisfaction in that -- just frustration.
NO SEX x 3 months y'all..... WTF?
This is all part of the pattern -- the pattern all men I meet become. Soon, I will be tired of his bullshit and it will be so easy for me to walk off.... and that is when he will realize how he "TRULY" feels -- he didn't realize how much he really loved me until I left.... happens every time. And there is no satisfaction in that -- just frustration.
NO SEX x 3 months y'all..... WTF?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
No, my pain isn't gone.... It's just worse
I haven't written for a while. Sure no one missed my whining... But that is the purpose of my blog. I will drag you along as I try to regenerate this time.... from yet another love gone awry. Probably my own fault. I don't deny a history of one tormented love story after another. But really ... its my subconscious choosing men who are emotionally unavailable I guess.
Last night, we stayed at my husband's house (yes, he has his own house if I never mentioned it before -- that's why it always feels he has at least one foot out the door of our home where we "live" together....). He got himself drunk and passed out, again, by 9:00.... At 10:30/11:00 I tried in vain to get him up to just walk up to bed with me. I assured him I would not attempt sex ... it's been several months.... Still wouldn't get up. He was talking and joking in some incoherent way, but wouldn't walk up the steps to bed - was sleeping on the couch...
I thought, "You know, this is bull shit... I have kids and a house and animals and shit to do ... I am not going up to bed alone in his house..." So I nicely let him know that I really didn't want to sleep upstairs alone, so if he really doesn't want to go to bed, I'm leaving. I left him a note in case he had no recollection - said, "Call me when you wanted me to come and get you. :)" Yes, I did include the smiley face....
So I gather my shit, kiss him on the cheek and I leave.... Just as I get to the highway, instead of getting on the ramp, I thought, "Wonder if that man just acted like he was sleeping so I really WOULD leave...." He was right near the front window on the sofa, so I decided to cruise back by, and take a peek in the window. I prayed he was still there, passed out.... But guess what, he wasn't. His ass was up, lights on, computer on... but he sees me, and runs to his front door and -- LOCKS IT! I knocked... he wouldn't come back to the door.
I used the key and let myself in -- and he was now back on the sofa, eyes shut.... I said, "Are you awake? Why did you lock me out?" He said that I needed to "get the fuck out of his house before he shoots me in my fucking head." Yeah.... I said, 'What? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that?" and he said, "Cuz that's where we are at. You are a fucking asshole - the biggest fucking asshole I have ever met in my life. Right now, I need it (yes, he said IT referring to me) out of my house." I said, "Did you call me it?" And he said, "Yes, you are an "it", a contaminant, and I just want you out of here. So either shut the fuck up and go to sleep or leave." He muttered a few more horrible things - all the same things he has uttered before and never apologized for....
So, first of all, in writing the above, I cannot understand where I am coming from, and I definitely do not know where he is coming from.... Nothing happened.... I didn't leave angry -- I left somewhat in defiance of being trapped at his house, basically alone. May have shown a little too much balls for him? He prefers a girl with no backbone, apparently.... He prefers her that way, why? So he can hate it about her?
Is it not the most confusing, twisted relationship? But folks, this is what an abusive relationship looks like, feels like. Don't lose all respect for me for it. I struggle to respect myself, and I look to all of you -- or anyone who would possible suffer through this blog -- for some sort of recognition, acknowledgement that in 95% of my life I am a wonderful, bold, beautiful human being, above-average intelligence, very funny, very loving and warm.... but there is this very humiliating 5% of me that cannot outwit this fucker as he tears me down so quickly even though he is only privy to this small 5%.... Is it the other 95% that causes him to hate me so much? Afraid maybe I really am too good for him, and that I may notice and leave him??
I may or may not have mentioned in a previous post, that I have survived anorexia/bulimia to the extreme. Just three or four years ago, I was institutionalized for it at a weight of 69 pounds. I nearly died. But I see a paralel to my current near-death experience. I survived denying my body of the very nutrients I need to live -- I defied my own human needs.
I am now defying my needs -- we all need to feel loved, or feel like we have a reason to breathe. He is trying to take even that basic need away from me. And it is working? How can that happen to this bright, once-loved girl....?
Why would he want to do that to me? And better yet, what keeps me waiting -- wanting to resolve it before I can move on....
Last night, we stayed at my husband's house (yes, he has his own house if I never mentioned it before -- that's why it always feels he has at least one foot out the door of our home where we "live" together....). He got himself drunk and passed out, again, by 9:00.... At 10:30/11:00 I tried in vain to get him up to just walk up to bed with me. I assured him I would not attempt sex ... it's been several months.... Still wouldn't get up. He was talking and joking in some incoherent way, but wouldn't walk up the steps to bed - was sleeping on the couch...
I thought, "You know, this is bull shit... I have kids and a house and animals and shit to do ... I am not going up to bed alone in his house..." So I nicely let him know that I really didn't want to sleep upstairs alone, so if he really doesn't want to go to bed, I'm leaving. I left him a note in case he had no recollection - said, "Call me when you wanted me to come and get you. :)" Yes, I did include the smiley face....
So I gather my shit, kiss him on the cheek and I leave.... Just as I get to the highway, instead of getting on the ramp, I thought, "Wonder if that man just acted like he was sleeping so I really WOULD leave...." He was right near the front window on the sofa, so I decided to cruise back by, and take a peek in the window. I prayed he was still there, passed out.... But guess what, he wasn't. His ass was up, lights on, computer on... but he sees me, and runs to his front door and -- LOCKS IT! I knocked... he wouldn't come back to the door.
I used the key and let myself in -- and he was now back on the sofa, eyes shut.... I said, "Are you awake? Why did you lock me out?" He said that I needed to "get the fuck out of his house before he shoots me in my fucking head." Yeah.... I said, 'What? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that?" and he said, "Cuz that's where we are at. You are a fucking asshole - the biggest fucking asshole I have ever met in my life. Right now, I need it (yes, he said IT referring to me) out of my house." I said, "Did you call me it?" And he said, "Yes, you are an "it", a contaminant, and I just want you out of here. So either shut the fuck up and go to sleep or leave." He muttered a few more horrible things - all the same things he has uttered before and never apologized for....
So, first of all, in writing the above, I cannot understand where I am coming from, and I definitely do not know where he is coming from.... Nothing happened.... I didn't leave angry -- I left somewhat in defiance of being trapped at his house, basically alone. May have shown a little too much balls for him? He prefers a girl with no backbone, apparently.... He prefers her that way, why? So he can hate it about her?
Is it not the most confusing, twisted relationship? But folks, this is what an abusive relationship looks like, feels like. Don't lose all respect for me for it. I struggle to respect myself, and I look to all of you -- or anyone who would possible suffer through this blog -- for some sort of recognition, acknowledgement that in 95% of my life I am a wonderful, bold, beautiful human being, above-average intelligence, very funny, very loving and warm.... but there is this very humiliating 5% of me that cannot outwit this fucker as he tears me down so quickly even though he is only privy to this small 5%.... Is it the other 95% that causes him to hate me so much? Afraid maybe I really am too good for him, and that I may notice and leave him??
I may or may not have mentioned in a previous post, that I have survived anorexia/bulimia to the extreme. Just three or four years ago, I was institutionalized for it at a weight of 69 pounds. I nearly died. But I see a paralel to my current near-death experience. I survived denying my body of the very nutrients I need to live -- I defied my own human needs.
I am now defying my needs -- we all need to feel loved, or feel like we have a reason to breathe. He is trying to take even that basic need away from me. And it is working? How can that happen to this bright, once-loved girl....?
Why would he want to do that to me? And better yet, what keeps me waiting -- wanting to resolve it before I can move on....
Monday, August 4, 2008
He read my post, says this....
I posted a short blog on a site we both belong to. He apparently read it and blogged back at me. Here are our two posts:
mine:
August 02
He isn't my fan......
He probably would have..... or should have commented on the anniversary thing i wrote.... but since he isnt my fan, he surely didnt or wouldn't even read it.... or he would be sick in his stomach thinking i m annoying if he did somehow have to lay his eyes upon my words..... this site is no fun anymore since i m on it..... i get it - i really do....
THE REASON I wrote that, was because of being upset over him being this girl's "fan" on another site. Upset me, but I vented very passive-aggressively.
here is his response in today's blog:
contray to popular thought......
....I only come to this site once ever few weeks to write a blog, when I'm feeling comment oriantated. I don't air personal laundry, or make hurtful comments towards people in public. This is not, nor will it become another myface place book ass scratcher.
He never acknowledges my feelings, only his own... but I have a theory on it all.
mine:
August 02
He isn't my fan......
He probably would have..... or should have commented on the anniversary thing i wrote.... but since he isnt my fan, he surely didnt or wouldn't even read it.... or he would be sick in his stomach thinking i m annoying if he did somehow have to lay his eyes upon my words..... this site is no fun anymore since i m on it..... i get it - i really do....
THE REASON I wrote that, was because of being upset over him being this girl's "fan" on another site. Upset me, but I vented very passive-aggressively.
here is his response in today's blog:
contray to popular thought......
....I only come to this site once ever few weeks to write a blog, when I'm feeling comment oriantated. I don't air personal laundry, or make hurtful comments towards people in public. This is not, nor will it become another myface place book ass scratcher.
He never acknowledges my feelings, only his own... but I have a theory on it all.
Monday, July 28, 2008
My Painful Realization
It took longer than I had imagined to get back to this blog -- to the writing... It takes so much out of me, trying to be open and candid with only myself. I figure things out as I write, and today, I cry as I write.
Today is the anniversary of the date that I met my husband.... He was so beautiful when I met him, and I fell so quickly in love with him. I hadn't realized it right away, but I knew him in high school ... hung out as friends with him for a while. Rediscovering him as I turn 41, and he 40, it almost felt like our lives had come full circle and brought us both right to the exact place where we needed to be.
But this one year has passed, and as I reflect back upon the past year, I am not feeling good about where I am. I have heard the term "toxic relationship", and I feel that every relationship I probably have ever been in could be considered toxic... So maybe I am the toxic factor?
There I go showing my tiny, worthless self esteem again. He has called me an asshole so many times that I now truly believe I have become one. In one day he can be the cruelest, rudest, coldest, most distant person I have ever had the joy of loving... but just when I feel strength to walk, he shows the side of his personality that I fell in love with. It's not fair! It's not fair! And I cry harder as I say those words inside my head, so I don't wake him up.... This blog would enrage him. So my ID is anonymous, because I have no other outlets for all the pent up feelings that I dare not show -- a show of emotions to him causes even more problems. Its like he then sees me as weak, and like a tiger would attack a wounded dear, my tiger leaps upon every chance he has to wound me more and more.
He used to be an internet junkie when I met him -- belonging to every dating, sex, and social networking site there is. In fact, that is where I first saw him last year - Match.Com.... I didn't belong, but I saw his profile.
It was a struggle for me -- he would have dozens and dozens of "friends", some clothed, but mostly not... He stood up for these friends and didn't want to part with his buddies, but he did. He did it so I would "shut up"... He had written blogs in some of these sites for years -- every twist and turn of his life, as he describes his undying love for another women in his past. He told me she died in a car accident, and after we were married I found out that he had lied about her. I never figured out why?
So why couldn't I ever be the topic of such a blog? Had he lost interest in writing suddenly -- was I not inspiration like "the one" was? He told me that now he has it figured out -- I really am "THE ONE", but time -- a very short time (one year....) has shown me otherwise. This man honestly does not love me in any way, shape or form -- yet he will not admit that to me?
He was unhappy at the job he had when I met him -- very unhappy. I was busy beyond belief at my own business. I invited him to join my staff -- help me generate the kind of income I used to make when I wasn't so bogged down with details. He jumped into the job with two feet - as he does everything -- and he was incredible.
But he couldn't hide his displeasure for my presence... I have felt since just a few weeks after our marriage in December, that he actually seemed to be repulsed by me. We went from 5 or 7 x daily sex, to no sex at all. It has now been so long, that the distance between us sexually has grown to the point where I feel uncomfortable being naked in front of him. Yet there is no reason. .... I am 5'2", size 1, long blonde hair, and a 36G bust. I attract attention wherever we go -- and I have always been a kind, fun loving, free spirited girl my whole life, so I like attention and especially the healthy positive kind. But I get none from my husband anymore. Somethiing happened to repulse him and I am unsure what that is... Of course, asking him would be simple -- and I have, but he denies anything and everything.
Yet he makes comments about our home being like Hell, calls my children demons or my "spawns". He hates my choice of music. He hates the way I dress. He hates my dogs. I should start over and list the things he doesn't hate -- um.... oh yeah, I really don't think there is much of anything he likes.
Did I mention that my husband is a "fashion photographer". I realized quickly after marrying him that most of his photographs were taken of naked women -- erotic photography I think it is called??
Then I find things on his computer that prove to me that he was still corresponding with quite a few ladies after we met and planned our marriage.... not admitting to many of them that he had even met me. I think that is why he just simply deleted his websites instead of mentioning me on there -- letting them know he was unavailable. This way they could just wonder, and he could pop back in the scene whenever he wanted.... but then he started to join new ones after we were together. November 27, just 4 days before we were married, he joined "Tagged" under just his initials and a fake address.
But then also in November, he was acting strange in the middle of the night - I had gone to the kitchen for a drink just as he came in the garage door with his phone.... I asked him if he was on the phone with someone in the garage and he denied it, but he also called me paranoid and turned it on me and he went to bed angry with me. When I woke up in the morning, I saw his cell phone lying there, beckoning me to it like it wanted me to know. There, in his deleted folder of his text messages I found a full back and forth text-session with someone whom he refuses to tell me their name.... can you say mother fucking agony? Only part of the conversation was captured there -- and read by me.... I read things in it that I cannot ever forget and it hurts as though it just sliced me a day ago. But when the phone bill came, I could see the 100 or so back and forth text messages, starting at about 9:30 in the evening and ending in a full "call me when you are about to cum" message, at which time they spent 10 more minutes on the actual phone.
It hurt so fucking bad! God damn it! Can I tell you how bad it hurt? Can I tell you how badly I wish I had turned and run right then!? But he begged my forgiveness -- and I fell for it. I believed in him and thought maybe he learned his lesson.... but what lesson did he really learn? He was only sorry because he was caught!!!!!'
So, from this point on, I have been a wreck, literally. He even joined a Russian bride website right before our marriage.... WTF?
He tells me constantly how unstable I am, and how I need "help"..... but I think deep inside he really does know that it is him. He takes what is the truth, twists it to the opposite, and tries to convince me that I am wrong.
He is arrogant and egotistical as all hell. He is a narcissist.
But I have allowed this man to completely annihalate me mentally. He has me feeling trapped -- trapped by how much I love him, vs. knowing I need out to save my own life. I have pondered suicide as an option so many times because I truly believe that breaking away from this man will be more pain than I can ever survive...
but why??
did he take my intelligence too?
Please join me on my journey out of this relationship. I have chosen to journal it as a way of trying to wade through all of it.
I can't let my children witness my complete destruction at the hands of yet another man.
Its odd -- oddly ironic I guess. This man who has weakened me and beat me up emotionally and even physically a few times, throwing me off the hood of his car as I begged him not to leave me -- but he is turned on by strong, independent women.
So, now that he has taken every bit of strength and independence from me, I have to stand by and watch him look for a new, younger, prettier replacement.... His friend sent him a "Join StumbledUpon.com with me dude! It's awesome!" invitation and he bit.... Yesterday I looked at his profile and saw that he is awaiting a friend request for a girl in our town who is 29 years old and her name is Deth. I felt that familiar pain in my gut. When he seemed to be in a mood where I could bring it up, I did.... He truly did "stumble" over that one, lying through his teeth. I tried to argue with him -- It said he is a "fan" of this Deth.... He said that you automatically become a "fan" of someone if you like the same websites they do..... NOT! You have to hunt down and then request to be a fan.... And it hurts me so much that she lives right here -- like he is looking for a hook up? Duh!!!! Fucking Duh! Ouch.... I cried myself to sleep last night as he lay drunk next to me, laughing at me and telling me I am fucking unstable. I asked him to please say something to make me feel better before he fell asleep and he flat out refused, wouldn't even hold my hand. What did I ever do? He actually tells me that "i treat him like shit".....
I have no reason to lie to a one sided blog .... doubtful that any eyes will ever see this .... but I am so good to him. I file his nailes, buff his feet callouses, massage his back and hands, tell him everyday how beautiful he is and how wonderful he is ... I tell him how much I love him and tell him things like "I will love you forever".... and he just says things like, "Goals? I have no goals! I gave up on having goals a long time ago." Or "You pulled me into your sinking ship and I am not going down with it." He makes me sound like such a loser....
I can't listen to myself think these thoughts any longer right now. I'll try to stop back regularly and vent things, blow by blow, as I cannot temper my emotions much longer and that is a sure death threat to this relationship....
I tried playing hard to get and like I don't give a fuck ... he just ignores me completely.
Nothiing has ever felt so painful in my entire life.
Fuck this bastard. I love him!
Today is the anniversary of the date that I met my husband.... He was so beautiful when I met him, and I fell so quickly in love with him. I hadn't realized it right away, but I knew him in high school ... hung out as friends with him for a while. Rediscovering him as I turn 41, and he 40, it almost felt like our lives had come full circle and brought us both right to the exact place where we needed to be.
But this one year has passed, and as I reflect back upon the past year, I am not feeling good about where I am. I have heard the term "toxic relationship", and I feel that every relationship I probably have ever been in could be considered toxic... So maybe I am the toxic factor?
There I go showing my tiny, worthless self esteem again. He has called me an asshole so many times that I now truly believe I have become one. In one day he can be the cruelest, rudest, coldest, most distant person I have ever had the joy of loving... but just when I feel strength to walk, he shows the side of his personality that I fell in love with. It's not fair! It's not fair! And I cry harder as I say those words inside my head, so I don't wake him up.... This blog would enrage him. So my ID is anonymous, because I have no other outlets for all the pent up feelings that I dare not show -- a show of emotions to him causes even more problems. Its like he then sees me as weak, and like a tiger would attack a wounded dear, my tiger leaps upon every chance he has to wound me more and more.
He used to be an internet junkie when I met him -- belonging to every dating, sex, and social networking site there is. In fact, that is where I first saw him last year - Match.Com.... I didn't belong, but I saw his profile.
It was a struggle for me -- he would have dozens and dozens of "friends", some clothed, but mostly not... He stood up for these friends and didn't want to part with his buddies, but he did. He did it so I would "shut up"... He had written blogs in some of these sites for years -- every twist and turn of his life, as he describes his undying love for another women in his past. He told me she died in a car accident, and after we were married I found out that he had lied about her. I never figured out why?
So why couldn't I ever be the topic of such a blog? Had he lost interest in writing suddenly -- was I not inspiration like "the one" was? He told me that now he has it figured out -- I really am "THE ONE", but time -- a very short time (one year....) has shown me otherwise. This man honestly does not love me in any way, shape or form -- yet he will not admit that to me?
He was unhappy at the job he had when I met him -- very unhappy. I was busy beyond belief at my own business. I invited him to join my staff -- help me generate the kind of income I used to make when I wasn't so bogged down with details. He jumped into the job with two feet - as he does everything -- and he was incredible.
But he couldn't hide his displeasure for my presence... I have felt since just a few weeks after our marriage in December, that he actually seemed to be repulsed by me. We went from 5 or 7 x daily sex, to no sex at all. It has now been so long, that the distance between us sexually has grown to the point where I feel uncomfortable being naked in front of him. Yet there is no reason. .... I am 5'2", size 1, long blonde hair, and a 36G bust. I attract attention wherever we go -- and I have always been a kind, fun loving, free spirited girl my whole life, so I like attention and especially the healthy positive kind. But I get none from my husband anymore. Somethiing happened to repulse him and I am unsure what that is... Of course, asking him would be simple -- and I have, but he denies anything and everything.
Yet he makes comments about our home being like Hell, calls my children demons or my "spawns". He hates my choice of music. He hates the way I dress. He hates my dogs. I should start over and list the things he doesn't hate -- um.... oh yeah, I really don't think there is much of anything he likes.
Did I mention that my husband is a "fashion photographer". I realized quickly after marrying him that most of his photographs were taken of naked women -- erotic photography I think it is called??
Then I find things on his computer that prove to me that he was still corresponding with quite a few ladies after we met and planned our marriage.... not admitting to many of them that he had even met me. I think that is why he just simply deleted his websites instead of mentioning me on there -- letting them know he was unavailable. This way they could just wonder, and he could pop back in the scene whenever he wanted.... but then he started to join new ones after we were together. November 27, just 4 days before we were married, he joined "Tagged" under just his initials and a fake address.
But then also in November, he was acting strange in the middle of the night - I had gone to the kitchen for a drink just as he came in the garage door with his phone.... I asked him if he was on the phone with someone in the garage and he denied it, but he also called me paranoid and turned it on me and he went to bed angry with me. When I woke up in the morning, I saw his cell phone lying there, beckoning me to it like it wanted me to know. There, in his deleted folder of his text messages I found a full back and forth text-session with someone whom he refuses to tell me their name.... can you say mother fucking agony? Only part of the conversation was captured there -- and read by me.... I read things in it that I cannot ever forget and it hurts as though it just sliced me a day ago. But when the phone bill came, I could see the 100 or so back and forth text messages, starting at about 9:30 in the evening and ending in a full "call me when you are about to cum" message, at which time they spent 10 more minutes on the actual phone.
It hurt so fucking bad! God damn it! Can I tell you how bad it hurt? Can I tell you how badly I wish I had turned and run right then!? But he begged my forgiveness -- and I fell for it. I believed in him and thought maybe he learned his lesson.... but what lesson did he really learn? He was only sorry because he was caught!!!!!'
So, from this point on, I have been a wreck, literally. He even joined a Russian bride website right before our marriage.... WTF?
He tells me constantly how unstable I am, and how I need "help"..... but I think deep inside he really does know that it is him. He takes what is the truth, twists it to the opposite, and tries to convince me that I am wrong.
He is arrogant and egotistical as all hell. He is a narcissist.
But I have allowed this man to completely annihalate me mentally. He has me feeling trapped -- trapped by how much I love him, vs. knowing I need out to save my own life. I have pondered suicide as an option so many times because I truly believe that breaking away from this man will be more pain than I can ever survive...
but why??
did he take my intelligence too?
Please join me on my journey out of this relationship. I have chosen to journal it as a way of trying to wade through all of it.
I can't let my children witness my complete destruction at the hands of yet another man.
Its odd -- oddly ironic I guess. This man who has weakened me and beat me up emotionally and even physically a few times, throwing me off the hood of his car as I begged him not to leave me -- but he is turned on by strong, independent women.
So, now that he has taken every bit of strength and independence from me, I have to stand by and watch him look for a new, younger, prettier replacement.... His friend sent him a "Join StumbledUpon.com with me dude! It's awesome!" invitation and he bit.... Yesterday I looked at his profile and saw that he is awaiting a friend request for a girl in our town who is 29 years old and her name is Deth. I felt that familiar pain in my gut. When he seemed to be in a mood where I could bring it up, I did.... He truly did "stumble" over that one, lying through his teeth. I tried to argue with him -- It said he is a "fan" of this Deth.... He said that you automatically become a "fan" of someone if you like the same websites they do..... NOT! You have to hunt down and then request to be a fan.... And it hurts me so much that she lives right here -- like he is looking for a hook up? Duh!!!! Fucking Duh! Ouch.... I cried myself to sleep last night as he lay drunk next to me, laughing at me and telling me I am fucking unstable. I asked him to please say something to make me feel better before he fell asleep and he flat out refused, wouldn't even hold my hand. What did I ever do? He actually tells me that "i treat him like shit".....
I have no reason to lie to a one sided blog .... doubtful that any eyes will ever see this .... but I am so good to him. I file his nailes, buff his feet callouses, massage his back and hands, tell him everyday how beautiful he is and how wonderful he is ... I tell him how much I love him and tell him things like "I will love you forever".... and he just says things like, "Goals? I have no goals! I gave up on having goals a long time ago." Or "You pulled me into your sinking ship and I am not going down with it." He makes me sound like such a loser....
I can't listen to myself think these thoughts any longer right now. I'll try to stop back regularly and vent things, blow by blow, as I cannot temper my emotions much longer and that is a sure death threat to this relationship....
I tried playing hard to get and like I don't give a fuck ... he just ignores me completely.
Nothiing has ever felt so painful in my entire life.
Fuck this bastard. I love him!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Let Me Explain Myself....
It's all really very simple, yet complicated. I would like to explain to you who I am .... but I am not really sure -- yet I know exactly who I am. I am very calm / yet very unsettled.
I am a blend of every opposite you can imagine... and some you can't.
I am myself .... yet I am really only those around me.
I allow myself to be defined by everything around me. Or at least how I perceive everything around me.
Is it my perceptions that are always wrong?
Or am I always right, but haven't found myself in the presence of someone honest enough to admit it.
I can't tell. I am confused. I can't go on sometimes ... yet I am also the happiest person you have ever known.
Maybe I shouldn't offer to explain myself -- realizing that I have no clue. Sometimes.
Other times, I know exactly who I am and exactly where I am headed... until someone decides to alter the "me" that I am...
I couldn't have titled this blog, or myself better. I am living in pain. All the time. It is there, just behind my eyes, waiting to push out a tear to release the pressure inside. Sitting on the edge of my tear ducts, weak and pathetic.... Yet able to endure anything and everything, but still hold onto the tears -- sheer strength and optimism, greater than any you have known.
It is all of this turmoil inside -- all this strength, all this weakness, all this happiness, all this pain, all this indecision, that forces me to live a life of PAIN.
PAIN
Pain
pain
Whilst I die of laughter...
I laugh a lot. I laugh hard. I laugh deeply. I laugh at myself and my faults -- as though I am confident.
You are probably thinking to yourself, as we all do -- that I have no idea what true pain is ... You probably think that you feel more pain than I do.... please be rest assured, that if you met me or if you know me, you probably don't recognize these words as mine. I rarely share my pain. You see me dying of laughter. And you are right about that -- I am dying of laughter. Not literally.
Perhaps the title should have been Dying from Pain While Laughing ... That actually more justly fits the playbill of what is my life... and it truly could be a show -- probably more of a sitcom than a broadway show.
If you wonder where all my pain comes from, wonder if you can relate to any of it at all, again I can reassure you that you can. I am sure that somewhere inside you, you share my pain in some way.
As my first blog of hopefully many to come, I will stop being so vague. Because this is therapy for me, writing this blog, that is .... I need to cut right to the chase. My pain levels are so high currently, that I have longed for an outlet, for a way to release it whilst still holding those tears.
In brief summary, I am a 41-year old woman. I have three children, all to my ex-husband to whom I was married for 14 years. I have had all very painful, very emotionally volatile relationships with the men I have loved. Who hasn't .... but I have so much trouble rescuing myself from these relationships. That is my stupidity, combined with my extreme intelligence...
I am not your conventional everyday woman. I started a business from the mobile home that my husband and I purchased as our first "home". It was a 1970 mobile home, in a horrible trailer park -- a very stereotypical trailer park .... sweaty, dirty, chipped pain on most of the homes, runned down cars sitting in front of these long, square shaped homes... A park of dashed dreams for most residents. But not for me. You could easily pick out my "mobile home" (sounds better than "trailer" kind of?) I applied a new coat of white glossy pain to our home. I planted flowers out front. I put candles in my windows, much like people with "real homes" did. I took pride in my humble, humiliating existence. That was where I spawned the business that I continue to slave over today. I hate it, and I love it.... Contrasts everywhere. Confusion. (as she steps up the fight against the tears trying to escape as she recalls her pain even then, so long ago...)
Now I live in a beautiful, castle-like home that I had built eight years ago. But I can't afford it... I struggle to afford it ... struggling to justify the mortgage payment that is $5,000 every month. I do afford it. But it seems excessive to me. Just another stupid mistake from a highly developed, highly intelligent mind. Almost does sound like I have a little bit of confidence, doesn't it.
Stay tuned long enough and you will learn how little confidence I have ... but you will be amazed at what I am able to accomplish with the incredibly tiny piece of it that I do have...
I am the most incredible, intelligent, beautiful ... yet most ridiculous, stupid, ugly woman you have ever known or even read about. You'll see..... I'm so sorry ... you will see....
Pain pain PAIN
Confusion.
I am a blend of every opposite you can imagine... and some you can't.
I am myself .... yet I am really only those around me.
I allow myself to be defined by everything around me. Or at least how I perceive everything around me.
Is it my perceptions that are always wrong?
Or am I always right, but haven't found myself in the presence of someone honest enough to admit it.
I can't tell. I am confused. I can't go on sometimes ... yet I am also the happiest person you have ever known.
Maybe I shouldn't offer to explain myself -- realizing that I have no clue. Sometimes.
Other times, I know exactly who I am and exactly where I am headed... until someone decides to alter the "me" that I am...
I couldn't have titled this blog, or myself better. I am living in pain. All the time. It is there, just behind my eyes, waiting to push out a tear to release the pressure inside. Sitting on the edge of my tear ducts, weak and pathetic.... Yet able to endure anything and everything, but still hold onto the tears -- sheer strength and optimism, greater than any you have known.
It is all of this turmoil inside -- all this strength, all this weakness, all this happiness, all this pain, all this indecision, that forces me to live a life of PAIN.
PAIN
Pain
pain
Whilst I die of laughter...
I laugh a lot. I laugh hard. I laugh deeply. I laugh at myself and my faults -- as though I am confident.
You are probably thinking to yourself, as we all do -- that I have no idea what true pain is ... You probably think that you feel more pain than I do.... please be rest assured, that if you met me or if you know me, you probably don't recognize these words as mine. I rarely share my pain. You see me dying of laughter. And you are right about that -- I am dying of laughter. Not literally.
Perhaps the title should have been Dying from Pain While Laughing ... That actually more justly fits the playbill of what is my life... and it truly could be a show -- probably more of a sitcom than a broadway show.
If you wonder where all my pain comes from, wonder if you can relate to any of it at all, again I can reassure you that you can. I am sure that somewhere inside you, you share my pain in some way.
As my first blog of hopefully many to come, I will stop being so vague. Because this is therapy for me, writing this blog, that is .... I need to cut right to the chase. My pain levels are so high currently, that I have longed for an outlet, for a way to release it whilst still holding those tears.
In brief summary, I am a 41-year old woman. I have three children, all to my ex-husband to whom I was married for 14 years. I have had all very painful, very emotionally volatile relationships with the men I have loved. Who hasn't .... but I have so much trouble rescuing myself from these relationships. That is my stupidity, combined with my extreme intelligence...
I am not your conventional everyday woman. I started a business from the mobile home that my husband and I purchased as our first "home". It was a 1970 mobile home, in a horrible trailer park -- a very stereotypical trailer park .... sweaty, dirty, chipped pain on most of the homes, runned down cars sitting in front of these long, square shaped homes... A park of dashed dreams for most residents. But not for me. You could easily pick out my "mobile home" (sounds better than "trailer" kind of?) I applied a new coat of white glossy pain to our home. I planted flowers out front. I put candles in my windows, much like people with "real homes" did. I took pride in my humble, humiliating existence. That was where I spawned the business that I continue to slave over today. I hate it, and I love it.... Contrasts everywhere. Confusion. (as she steps up the fight against the tears trying to escape as she recalls her pain even then, so long ago...)
Now I live in a beautiful, castle-like home that I had built eight years ago. But I can't afford it... I struggle to afford it ... struggling to justify the mortgage payment that is $5,000 every month. I do afford it. But it seems excessive to me. Just another stupid mistake from a highly developed, highly intelligent mind. Almost does sound like I have a little bit of confidence, doesn't it.
Stay tuned long enough and you will learn how little confidence I have ... but you will be amazed at what I am able to accomplish with the incredibly tiny piece of it that I do have...
I am the most incredible, intelligent, beautiful ... yet most ridiculous, stupid, ugly woman you have ever known or even read about. You'll see..... I'm so sorry ... you will see....
Pain pain PAIN
Confusion.
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