I have no respect for myself anymore.... I have taken him back -- without an apology... without anything.... he is acting like he can't remember a thing again .... but I know he does. But he is not sorry. He is probably amazed at how much I am taking.... I think he's trying to make me go, and the more I DON'T, the less he respects me.... I don't blame him....
This is all part of the pattern -- the pattern all men I meet become. Soon, I will be tired of his bullshit and it will be so easy for me to walk off.... and that is when he will realize how he "TRULY" feels -- he didn't realize how much he really loved me until I left.... happens every time. And there is no satisfaction in that -- just frustration.
NO SEX x 3 months y'all..... WTF?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
No, my pain isn't gone.... It's just worse
I haven't written for a while. Sure no one missed my whining... But that is the purpose of my blog. I will drag you along as I try to regenerate this time.... from yet another love gone awry. Probably my own fault. I don't deny a history of one tormented love story after another. But really ... its my subconscious choosing men who are emotionally unavailable I guess.
Last night, we stayed at my husband's house (yes, he has his own house if I never mentioned it before -- that's why it always feels he has at least one foot out the door of our home where we "live" together....). He got himself drunk and passed out, again, by 9:00.... At 10:30/11:00 I tried in vain to get him up to just walk up to bed with me. I assured him I would not attempt sex ... it's been several months.... Still wouldn't get up. He was talking and joking in some incoherent way, but wouldn't walk up the steps to bed - was sleeping on the couch...
I thought, "You know, this is bull shit... I have kids and a house and animals and shit to do ... I am not going up to bed alone in his house..." So I nicely let him know that I really didn't want to sleep upstairs alone, so if he really doesn't want to go to bed, I'm leaving. I left him a note in case he had no recollection - said, "Call me when you wanted me to come and get you. :)" Yes, I did include the smiley face....
So I gather my shit, kiss him on the cheek and I leave.... Just as I get to the highway, instead of getting on the ramp, I thought, "Wonder if that man just acted like he was sleeping so I really WOULD leave...." He was right near the front window on the sofa, so I decided to cruise back by, and take a peek in the window. I prayed he was still there, passed out.... But guess what, he wasn't. His ass was up, lights on, computer on... but he sees me, and runs to his front door and -- LOCKS IT! I knocked... he wouldn't come back to the door.
I used the key and let myself in -- and he was now back on the sofa, eyes shut.... I said, "Are you awake? Why did you lock me out?" He said that I needed to "get the fuck out of his house before he shoots me in my fucking head." Yeah.... I said, 'What? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that?" and he said, "Cuz that's where we are at. You are a fucking asshole - the biggest fucking asshole I have ever met in my life. Right now, I need it (yes, he said IT referring to me) out of my house." I said, "Did you call me it?" And he said, "Yes, you are an "it", a contaminant, and I just want you out of here. So either shut the fuck up and go to sleep or leave." He muttered a few more horrible things - all the same things he has uttered before and never apologized for....
So, first of all, in writing the above, I cannot understand where I am coming from, and I definitely do not know where he is coming from.... Nothing happened.... I didn't leave angry -- I left somewhat in defiance of being trapped at his house, basically alone. May have shown a little too much balls for him? He prefers a girl with no backbone, apparently.... He prefers her that way, why? So he can hate it about her?
Is it not the most confusing, twisted relationship? But folks, this is what an abusive relationship looks like, feels like. Don't lose all respect for me for it. I struggle to respect myself, and I look to all of you -- or anyone who would possible suffer through this blog -- for some sort of recognition, acknowledgement that in 95% of my life I am a wonderful, bold, beautiful human being, above-average intelligence, very funny, very loving and warm.... but there is this very humiliating 5% of me that cannot outwit this fucker as he tears me down so quickly even though he is only privy to this small 5%.... Is it the other 95% that causes him to hate me so much? Afraid maybe I really am too good for him, and that I may notice and leave him??
I may or may not have mentioned in a previous post, that I have survived anorexia/bulimia to the extreme. Just three or four years ago, I was institutionalized for it at a weight of 69 pounds. I nearly died. But I see a paralel to my current near-death experience. I survived denying my body of the very nutrients I need to live -- I defied my own human needs.
I am now defying my needs -- we all need to feel loved, or feel like we have a reason to breathe. He is trying to take even that basic need away from me. And it is working? How can that happen to this bright, once-loved girl....?
Why would he want to do that to me? And better yet, what keeps me waiting -- wanting to resolve it before I can move on....
Last night, we stayed at my husband's house (yes, he has his own house if I never mentioned it before -- that's why it always feels he has at least one foot out the door of our home where we "live" together....). He got himself drunk and passed out, again, by 9:00.... At 10:30/11:00 I tried in vain to get him up to just walk up to bed with me. I assured him I would not attempt sex ... it's been several months.... Still wouldn't get up. He was talking and joking in some incoherent way, but wouldn't walk up the steps to bed - was sleeping on the couch...
I thought, "You know, this is bull shit... I have kids and a house and animals and shit to do ... I am not going up to bed alone in his house..." So I nicely let him know that I really didn't want to sleep upstairs alone, so if he really doesn't want to go to bed, I'm leaving. I left him a note in case he had no recollection - said, "Call me when you wanted me to come and get you. :)" Yes, I did include the smiley face....
So I gather my shit, kiss him on the cheek and I leave.... Just as I get to the highway, instead of getting on the ramp, I thought, "Wonder if that man just acted like he was sleeping so I really WOULD leave...." He was right near the front window on the sofa, so I decided to cruise back by, and take a peek in the window. I prayed he was still there, passed out.... But guess what, he wasn't. His ass was up, lights on, computer on... but he sees me, and runs to his front door and -- LOCKS IT! I knocked... he wouldn't come back to the door.
I used the key and let myself in -- and he was now back on the sofa, eyes shut.... I said, "Are you awake? Why did you lock me out?" He said that I needed to "get the fuck out of his house before he shoots me in my fucking head." Yeah.... I said, 'What? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that?" and he said, "Cuz that's where we are at. You are a fucking asshole - the biggest fucking asshole I have ever met in my life. Right now, I need it (yes, he said IT referring to me) out of my house." I said, "Did you call me it?" And he said, "Yes, you are an "it", a contaminant, and I just want you out of here. So either shut the fuck up and go to sleep or leave." He muttered a few more horrible things - all the same things he has uttered before and never apologized for....
So, first of all, in writing the above, I cannot understand where I am coming from, and I definitely do not know where he is coming from.... Nothing happened.... I didn't leave angry -- I left somewhat in defiance of being trapped at his house, basically alone. May have shown a little too much balls for him? He prefers a girl with no backbone, apparently.... He prefers her that way, why? So he can hate it about her?
Is it not the most confusing, twisted relationship? But folks, this is what an abusive relationship looks like, feels like. Don't lose all respect for me for it. I struggle to respect myself, and I look to all of you -- or anyone who would possible suffer through this blog -- for some sort of recognition, acknowledgement that in 95% of my life I am a wonderful, bold, beautiful human being, above-average intelligence, very funny, very loving and warm.... but there is this very humiliating 5% of me that cannot outwit this fucker as he tears me down so quickly even though he is only privy to this small 5%.... Is it the other 95% that causes him to hate me so much? Afraid maybe I really am too good for him, and that I may notice and leave him??
I may or may not have mentioned in a previous post, that I have survived anorexia/bulimia to the extreme. Just three or four years ago, I was institutionalized for it at a weight of 69 pounds. I nearly died. But I see a paralel to my current near-death experience. I survived denying my body of the very nutrients I need to live -- I defied my own human needs.
I am now defying my needs -- we all need to feel loved, or feel like we have a reason to breathe. He is trying to take even that basic need away from me. And it is working? How can that happen to this bright, once-loved girl....?
Why would he want to do that to me? And better yet, what keeps me waiting -- wanting to resolve it before I can move on....
Monday, August 4, 2008
He read my post, says this....
I posted a short blog on a site we both belong to. He apparently read it and blogged back at me. Here are our two posts:
mine:
August 02
He isn't my fan......
He probably would have..... or should have commented on the anniversary thing i wrote.... but since he isnt my fan, he surely didnt or wouldn't even read it.... or he would be sick in his stomach thinking i m annoying if he did somehow have to lay his eyes upon my words..... this site is no fun anymore since i m on it..... i get it - i really do....
THE REASON I wrote that, was because of being upset over him being this girl's "fan" on another site. Upset me, but I vented very passive-aggressively.
here is his response in today's blog:
contray to popular thought......
....I only come to this site once ever few weeks to write a blog, when I'm feeling comment oriantated. I don't air personal laundry, or make hurtful comments towards people in public. This is not, nor will it become another myface place book ass scratcher.
He never acknowledges my feelings, only his own... but I have a theory on it all.
mine:
August 02
He isn't my fan......
He probably would have..... or should have commented on the anniversary thing i wrote.... but since he isnt my fan, he surely didnt or wouldn't even read it.... or he would be sick in his stomach thinking i m annoying if he did somehow have to lay his eyes upon my words..... this site is no fun anymore since i m on it..... i get it - i really do....
THE REASON I wrote that, was because of being upset over him being this girl's "fan" on another site. Upset me, but I vented very passive-aggressively.
here is his response in today's blog:
contray to popular thought......
....I only come to this site once ever few weeks to write a blog, when I'm feeling comment oriantated. I don't air personal laundry, or make hurtful comments towards people in public. This is not, nor will it become another myface place book ass scratcher.
He never acknowledges my feelings, only his own... but I have a theory on it all.
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