Way.... I can't believe a year has gone by since I last posted.... Feels overwhelming to try to decide how to start. It's like starting over again. Yet, I could pretty much just copy and paste the previous year's comments and the tone would be the same.... sadness.... little pockets of happiness and strength that manage to hold me in stagnation ... replaced by large pockets of doubt, worthlessness, self-pity.... Sad waste of what we refer to as... life.
But I think I have actually grown as a person and I have made strides in my life. I'm not proud of the rate of speed with which I have moved towards goals, towards change ... but coming from a place of self-doubt, I amaze myself that I have accomplished anything at all. So hey! That's a positive!
I had a hotdog at Lowe's today... that is one of those oddly sweet moments that tie me up and hold me hostage... just like breakfast at the Dirty Diner...
We are becoming friends again. I think that although a slow, slightly BORING path, it is one that in the long run is necessary, and should prove meaningful...
Tonight has been particularly difficult. I'm feeling quite low, and even more shameful about myself and my strength - or complete lack thereof. How did I become this?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Happy Holidays!
Hello Blog.... Another Christmas has passed.... Another New Year about to begin. I think it's the whole "New Year Resolution" pressure that has me thinkin'....
I think I truly can do this -- I can acquire a set of balls and try to pull myself together.
Yes, I'm still miserable -- and it is wearing me down. I'm literally exhausted. And I just cannot help but feel sorry for myself... And I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself. Of course, I know what you are thinking.... but don't judge me so quickly. I am the deepest feeling person that I know -- so I look at myself from the outside and I feel sorry for myself.... but I'm also at odds with myself, obviously -- often lacking self-esteem, confidence, -- just wishing for reassurance of who I am.... And that part of me is ashamed for feeling sorry for myself.... So give me a break -- don't make me feel even worse, dear Blog.
I had a bit of a diversion recently -- one that showed me a few things that I hadn't remembered for a while.... I met someone. And of course I feel quite guilty over that as well -- all helping to make me even more miserable.... But it really isn't a big deal -- but meeting this person helped me to see that perhaps I am still in here somewhere -- because this "person" made me feel alive inside again, and when all I have felt is death for two years, it was quite a wonderful, awakening experience for me. This "person" is 14 years younger than I am.... so it is almost like this "person" was at too distant a stage in life for me to really grasp all that he is/was....
Anyway, I feel as though my recent experience was a freaking narcotic and I need more. I need to look into happy eyes. I need to kiss a smile. I need to fall asleep actually in someone's arms.
"We" -- my husband and I -- had a fight this morning.... again.... What else is new, huh? Hahaha
No, but we fight about this same issue all the time -- he purposefully inserts himself into our bed in a manner so that he doesn't even brush up against me as we sleep. Sorry if I've bored you already with this information, Blog, but take it as evidence that we continually fight about this. Why do I fight about it? Because he won't admit he does it. If we have a set of sheets and two blankets on the bed, I, of course will be on the bottom sheet with the top sheet and blankets on my body. If that is the case, he will get in on top of the top sheet, or between the two blankets. Or, he will get an unrelated blanket (from the closest) and sleep on top of everything, wrapped like a corndog in his own bullshit blanket. It is painful and humiliating -- not only has our "friendship" disappeared completely, he has to rub it in my face by outright avoiding any physical contact with me of any kind.
So that again was the subject of our morning fight ...
Did I mention that he received two emails to his home email account acknowledging his enrollment in two different pornographic websites -- $39.95 EACH! Are you fucking kidding me?
The second I saw those emails, it became enough evidence for me -- yes, even for me! -- to realize that he truly is avoiding having sex with me. I have theories as to the reason, but it doesn't matter really -- the fact that he is still "sexually active", just not with me, is all I guess I really wanted to know. So, now that I know it, what have I done? Absolutely fucking nothing .... I know -- I even piss myself off sometimes! When I saw them, I vowed our marriage was over forever.... but here I sit.... living with the knowledge and being sick about it.
He didn't go with me on Christmas Day to see my family. My boys did. My kids and my family are used to it just being me ... they take no relationship I am in seriously anymore -- because they see me try and fail repeatedly. So nobody gets too comfortable -- so it's fine that he didn't come. Fine to everyone but me. Again, the realization that he wanted to just stay home (probably on the fucking computer looking at porn!!! no shit!) for that just crushes me.
If he was with "her", he would go to the end of the world for her.... All I do is serve to remind him everyday that he is not with "her" and he can't stand me because of it. He wishes that he could just blame me, but he knows it was over long before I came along. But he wants me to pay for all her sins against him. And I have paid dearly.
I tell my best friend all the time, if anything happens to me, please remind him everyday of how miserable he treated me and how badly he broke my heart.
Please tell me there is some medicine or some witchcraft or spell that will wake me the fuck up. Sad thing is, I truly am awake. I participate in this fakeness wide awake, but it is not the kind of consciousness I ever want to be part of again.
Blog, please pray for me. Pray that I can get out of this before it breaks me any more. I constantly feel that I am at the end of my rope, but someone, more fucking rope just seems to show up??!! It's nuts....!
I think 2010 is going to be the one for me. The year that I begin living again -- and having memories that I like again. Feeling loved again. Feeling strong again.
I have a load of modeling jobs coming up -- but I put on like 5 pounds in the last month that I cannot carry around any longer. I need to get back down to my normal weight (without a relapse of my eating disorder -- of course! -- you knew about that, right? More stupidity from a girl with brains....), get moved out of this house that I cannot afford, straighten out my business and get my "ducks in a row" as my old-fashioned daddy would call it.
So, here's to getting my ducks in a row.... And kicking this "asshole" out of my life so I can learn to smile again.... without guilt....
Happy New Year Blog....
I think I truly can do this -- I can acquire a set of balls and try to pull myself together.
Yes, I'm still miserable -- and it is wearing me down. I'm literally exhausted. And I just cannot help but feel sorry for myself... And I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself. Of course, I know what you are thinking.... but don't judge me so quickly. I am the deepest feeling person that I know -- so I look at myself from the outside and I feel sorry for myself.... but I'm also at odds with myself, obviously -- often lacking self-esteem, confidence, -- just wishing for reassurance of who I am.... And that part of me is ashamed for feeling sorry for myself.... So give me a break -- don't make me feel even worse, dear Blog.
I had a bit of a diversion recently -- one that showed me a few things that I hadn't remembered for a while.... I met someone. And of course I feel quite guilty over that as well -- all helping to make me even more miserable.... But it really isn't a big deal -- but meeting this person helped me to see that perhaps I am still in here somewhere -- because this "person" made me feel alive inside again, and when all I have felt is death for two years, it was quite a wonderful, awakening experience for me. This "person" is 14 years younger than I am.... so it is almost like this "person" was at too distant a stage in life for me to really grasp all that he is/was....
Anyway, I feel as though my recent experience was a freaking narcotic and I need more. I need to look into happy eyes. I need to kiss a smile. I need to fall asleep actually in someone's arms.
"We" -- my husband and I -- had a fight this morning.... again.... What else is new, huh? Hahaha
No, but we fight about this same issue all the time -- he purposefully inserts himself into our bed in a manner so that he doesn't even brush up against me as we sleep. Sorry if I've bored you already with this information, Blog, but take it as evidence that we continually fight about this. Why do I fight about it? Because he won't admit he does it. If we have a set of sheets and two blankets on the bed, I, of course will be on the bottom sheet with the top sheet and blankets on my body. If that is the case, he will get in on top of the top sheet, or between the two blankets. Or, he will get an unrelated blanket (from the closest) and sleep on top of everything, wrapped like a corndog in his own bullshit blanket. It is painful and humiliating -- not only has our "friendship" disappeared completely, he has to rub it in my face by outright avoiding any physical contact with me of any kind.
So that again was the subject of our morning fight ...
Did I mention that he received two emails to his home email account acknowledging his enrollment in two different pornographic websites -- $39.95 EACH! Are you fucking kidding me?
The second I saw those emails, it became enough evidence for me -- yes, even for me! -- to realize that he truly is avoiding having sex with me. I have theories as to the reason, but it doesn't matter really -- the fact that he is still "sexually active", just not with me, is all I guess I really wanted to know. So, now that I know it, what have I done? Absolutely fucking nothing .... I know -- I even piss myself off sometimes! When I saw them, I vowed our marriage was over forever.... but here I sit.... living with the knowledge and being sick about it.
He didn't go with me on Christmas Day to see my family. My boys did. My kids and my family are used to it just being me ... they take no relationship I am in seriously anymore -- because they see me try and fail repeatedly. So nobody gets too comfortable -- so it's fine that he didn't come. Fine to everyone but me. Again, the realization that he wanted to just stay home (probably on the fucking computer looking at porn!!! no shit!) for that just crushes me.
If he was with "her", he would go to the end of the world for her.... All I do is serve to remind him everyday that he is not with "her" and he can't stand me because of it. He wishes that he could just blame me, but he knows it was over long before I came along. But he wants me to pay for all her sins against him. And I have paid dearly.
I tell my best friend all the time, if anything happens to me, please remind him everyday of how miserable he treated me and how badly he broke my heart.
Please tell me there is some medicine or some witchcraft or spell that will wake me the fuck up. Sad thing is, I truly am awake. I participate in this fakeness wide awake, but it is not the kind of consciousness I ever want to be part of again.
Blog, please pray for me. Pray that I can get out of this before it breaks me any more. I constantly feel that I am at the end of my rope, but someone, more fucking rope just seems to show up??!! It's nuts....!
I think 2010 is going to be the one for me. The year that I begin living again -- and having memories that I like again. Feeling loved again. Feeling strong again.
I have a load of modeling jobs coming up -- but I put on like 5 pounds in the last month that I cannot carry around any longer. I need to get back down to my normal weight (without a relapse of my eating disorder -- of course! -- you knew about that, right? More stupidity from a girl with brains....), get moved out of this house that I cannot afford, straighten out my business and get my "ducks in a row" as my old-fashioned daddy would call it.
So, here's to getting my ducks in a row.... And kicking this "asshole" out of my life so I can learn to smile again.... without guilt....
Happy New Year Blog....
Friday, November 6, 2009
MY "Word" blog from today is gone.... I erased by accident...
I never get any time to write, but I'll try to rewrite the blog I spent so much time on this morning.... I must have put pictures in over it and lost it? Not sure..... Damn...
Pictures as Promised.... (Must read my most recent "word" blog below to get what the pictures mean!
This is my "old" house .... it is mine -- not HIS.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dear Blog.... I am so ashamed of myself.....
Yes, it is true..... Many months have passed>>>> and yet I still am here.... waiting to tell you ALL my depths of emotion, my disappointment with what I thought would be different,,,,, my desire to tell you a tall tale -- a tale about how I was really a princess and I found my prince, ,,,, and we had sex,,,,, and we rode away on a steed...... or just that we had sex...... or that we just rode away on a steed.....
but you know better....
I knew better.....
I knew I wouldn't be telling you any of those things....
All I have to tell you, is that my desire to end this and end every emotion I have ever felt, is at its all time high....
Did I mention how he stays up all night if I go to bed early ....
How he falls asleep at dusk if I mention that I will be up "for a while".....
Fuck me for putting up with these games.....
Fuck me for giving a fuck about him .........................
Goddamn it, girl,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
has this life meant nothing?????????????//
has it taught you nothing????????????????????/
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
but you know better....
I knew better.....
I knew I wouldn't be telling you any of those things....
All I have to tell you, is that my desire to end this and end every emotion I have ever felt, is at its all time high....
Did I mention how he stays up all night if I go to bed early ....
How he falls asleep at dusk if I mention that I will be up "for a while".....
Fuck me for putting up with these games.....
Fuck me for giving a fuck about him .........................
Goddamn it, girl,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
has this life meant nothing?????????????//
has it taught you nothing????????????????????/
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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