Happy Holidays!

Hello Blog.... Another Christmas has passed.... Another New Year about to begin. I think it's the whole "New Year Resolution" pressure that has me thinkin'....

I think I truly can do this -- I can acquire a set of balls and try to pull myself together.

Yes, I'm still miserable -- and it is wearing me down. I'm literally exhausted. And I just cannot help but feel sorry for myself... And I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself. Of course, I know what you are thinking.... but don't judge me so quickly. I am the deepest feeling person that I know -- so I look at myself from the outside and I feel sorry for myself.... but I'm also at odds with myself, obviously -- often lacking self-esteem, confidence, -- just wishing for reassurance of who I am.... And that part of me is ashamed for feeling sorry for myself.... So give me a break -- don't make me feel even worse, dear Blog.

I had a bit of a diversion recently -- one that showed me a few things that I hadn't remembered for a while.... I met someone. And of course I feel quite guilty over that as well -- all helping to make me even more miserable.... But it really isn't a big deal -- but meeting this person helped me to see that perhaps I am still in here somewhere -- because this "person" made me feel alive inside again, and when all I have felt is death for two years, it was quite a wonderful, awakening experience for me. This "person" is 14 years younger than I am.... so it is almost like this "person" was at too distant a stage in life for me to really grasp all that he is/was....

Anyway, I feel as though my recent experience was a freaking narcotic and I need more. I need to look into happy eyes. I need to kiss a smile. I need to fall asleep actually in someone's arms.

"We" -- my husband and I -- had a fight this morning.... again.... What else is new, huh? Hahaha

No, but we fight about this same issue all the time -- he purposefully inserts himself into our bed in a manner so that he doesn't even brush up against me as we sleep. Sorry if I've bored you already with this information, Blog, but take it as evidence that we continually fight about this. Why do I fight about it? Because he won't admit he does it. If we have a set of sheets and two blankets on the bed, I, of course will be on the bottom sheet with the top sheet and blankets on my body. If that is the case, he will get in on top of the top sheet, or between the two blankets. Or, he will get an unrelated blanket (from the closest) and sleep on top of everything, wrapped like a corndog in his own bullshit blanket. It is painful and humiliating -- not only has our "friendship" disappeared completely, he has to rub it in my face by outright avoiding any physical contact with me of any kind.

So that again was the subject of our morning fight ...

Did I mention that he received two emails to his home email account acknowledging his enrollment in two different pornographic websites -- $39.95 EACH! Are you fucking kidding me?

The second I saw those emails, it became enough evidence for me -- yes, even for me! -- to realize that he truly is avoiding having sex with me. I have theories as to the reason, but it doesn't matter really -- the fact that he is still "sexually active", just not with me, is all I guess I really wanted to know. So, now that I know it, what have I done? Absolutely fucking nothing .... I know -- I even piss myself off sometimes! When I saw them, I vowed our marriage was over forever.... but here I sit.... living with the knowledge and being sick about it.

He didn't go with me on Christmas Day to see my family. My boys did. My kids and my family are used to it just being me ... they take no relationship I am in seriously anymore -- because they see me try and fail repeatedly. So nobody gets too comfortable -- so it's fine that he didn't come. Fine to everyone but me. Again, the realization that he wanted to just stay home (probably on the fucking computer looking at porn!!! no shit!) for that just crushes me.

If he was with "her", he would go to the end of the world for her.... All I do is serve to remind him everyday that he is not with "her" and he can't stand me because of it. He wishes that he could just blame me, but he knows it was over long before I came along. But he wants me to pay for all her sins against him. And I have paid dearly.

I tell my best friend all the time, if anything happens to me, please remind him everyday of how miserable he treated me and how badly he broke my heart.

Please tell me there is some medicine or some witchcraft or spell that will wake me the fuck up. Sad thing is, I truly am awake. I participate in this fakeness wide awake, but it is not the kind of consciousness I ever want to be part of again.

Blog, please pray for me. Pray that I can get out of this before it breaks me any more. I constantly feel that I am at the end of my rope, but someone, more fucking rope just seems to show up??!! It's nuts....!

I think 2010 is going to be the one for me. The year that I begin living again -- and having memories that I like again. Feeling loved again. Feeling strong again.

I have a load of modeling jobs coming up -- but I put on like 5 pounds in the last month that I cannot carry around any longer. I need to get back down to my normal weight (without a relapse of my eating disorder -- of course! -- you knew about that, right? More stupidity from a girl with brains....), get moved out of this house that I cannot afford, straighten out my business and get my "ducks in a row" as my old-fashioned daddy would call it.

So, here's to getting my ducks in a row.... And kicking this "asshole" out of my life so I can learn to smile again.... without guilt....


Happy New Year Blog....

MY "Word" blog from today is gone.... I erased by accident...

I never get any time to write, but I'll try to rewrite the blog I spent so much time on this morning.... I must have put pictures in over it and lost it? Not sure..... Damn...

The "New" house....

"His" house (awaiting the return...)

Pictures as Promised.... (Must read my most recent "word" blog below to get what the pictures mean!

This is my "old" house .... it is mine -- not HIS.

Dear Blog.... I am so ashamed of myself.....

Yes, it is true..... Many months have passed>>>> and yet I still am here.... waiting to tell you ALL my depths of emotion, my disappointment with what I thought would be different,,,,, my desire to tell you a tall tale -- a tale about how I was really a princess and I found my prince, ,,,, and we had sex,,,,, and we rode away on a steed...... or just that we had sex...... or that we just rode away on a steed.....



but you know better....

I knew better.....

I knew I wouldn't be telling you any of those things....


All I have to tell you, is that my desire to end this and end every emotion I have ever felt, is at its all time high....

Did I mention how he stays up all night if I go to bed early ....

How he falls asleep at dusk if I mention that I will be up "for a while".....

Fuck me for putting up with these games.....

Fuck me for giving a fuck about him .........................


Goddamn it, girl,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

has this life meant nothing?????????????//


has it taught you nothing????????????????????/


FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Don't be scared...

My anger is real, but it is not a threat to anyone. Never has been. I swallow my anger like a Tylenol Extra-Strength Gel-Cap -- almost too big to take, isn't it??? But not for me.... I could O.D. on the fuckers without so much as a cough, much less a choke.

The swallow factor is as real as the day is long -- or as real as the night is long... cuz they are oh, so long.... almost unbearably so. Do you know that I cry myself to sleep almost every single night..... ? As you avoid me as much as you avoid yourself.... You wanna believe you are that same macho lover, able to please tall 20-year-olds in a single bound .... fuck you, liar. You can't tackle an old lady in 100 bounds now.... but you live in your own fantasy and you think I am not good enough for you.....

Can anyone tell that my anger and freak levels are up a bit. Maybe I should issue colors, kind of like the "terrorist threat" level. I'll announce it each day -- so you know how to proceed.....

Seriously though, .... I know YOU and EVERYONE else in this world knows exactly how to proceed based upon my feelings --- YOU SIMPLY PROCEED DESPITE ANYTHING that I in particular convey to you, about you, toward you ....

I look with my big brown eyes up into the eyes of each of you -- all ZERO of my audience, and beg you to see me for who I am for once -- I m special. I could make you feel special.....

No! Not "short bus" special ....

Big CAT Bus with air-con and a public bathroom-special.... I go all out for my men.... I'll make you feel like a bus, sure as shit....

Kidding ....

But seriously, at this point, the bar is quite low. If you can breathe without a ventilator, kiss me without having some "memory issue" that makes you feel disgusted .... can maintain a hard-on long enough to make us both breathe heavy and feel the O, hey, you have beat out your stiffest (no pun intended....) competition....

I know no better anymore....

But I do have this beautiful doctor man, begging for my attention, begging for me to love his beautiful, intelligent, rich self ... but guess what -- the SPELL IS NOT FUCKING BROKEN for me, like it is you. I remain faithful.... but not for much longer. I need .... I want .... I desire .... I require ......

Please give me a round of applause for holding out for the nastiest, most narcissistic, most inconsistent, dishonest man that has ever graced me with his presence. I have known some freaks, but baby -- you take it all for your cold, mother-fucking ice-cold, treatment you give me consistently day-in and day-out.

Saving it all for someone else -- someone getting the best of you as I sit here, like an asshole, believing all your lies, believing where you SAY you are.... fuck you, H .... Almost said it..... Husband -- YOU SUCK!!

Hard Night

Feeling the bullshit tonight.... angry, sad, disappointed, devastated, defeated, tired, suicidal?, homicidal?, worn down, frustrated, hateful, sinful....

I am reaching the point of no return.

I have had it with him.

He doesn't even appeal to me anymore.

No one appeals to me today.

I haven't had sex in months.

I haven't felt desired in a year.

I haven't been desired in a year.

I don't know why I am not desired ....

He won't tell me why I am not desired.

I think he is having an affair -- being loyal to her by making a fool of me, and breaking my heart.

I think he is ruthless.

I think he is a fucking cold-hearted shell of a man.

He has no joy left in his soul ... not for me.

He is a coward, because he cannot tell me to my face ... he plays games.

I hate games.

Games hate me.

There is a very thin line between love and hate.

Today I feel my connection between my hate and my anorexia...

I miss being a child.

I miss being loved.

I miss sex.

I miss everything.

I miss my friends.

I hate.

Goodnight y'all.

Fuck off -- to the man I love. You know exactly who you are. Not that you would ever desire to read anything I ever wrote -- even if I spent hours and sent it to you as a gift. You make me cry. You do not know me. You don't know how I really feel -- nor do you desire to know. So to you -- if I had the balls to be honest with you -- I would tell you to fuck off -- go away and don't ever come back. Have no memories of me -- because they are all the shittiest memories I have ever known. You lied when you said you love me. You are a fucking liar. And you treat me like shit every chance you get. You don't know what love is.

You think you have the manual????? The manual on "How to find a chick that will suck me dry of anything she can and then make a complete asshole out of me, only to live in her memory for the rest of my pathetic life -- as I lie to the people I meet because I am such a pussy that I cannot get over the girl that made a fucking asshole out of me" - YEP baby, you are the author of that tall tale.

So proud of yourself, aren't you. Too bad the "Spell" can't be broken.

I HATE YOU MOTHER FUCKER. DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Can anyone sense my moodiness today? Perhaps chocolate will help..... A chocolate axe to chop his head off maybe???????????????????/ Fuck HIM!

New Life

Still crazy after all these years....

Hello all y'all.... had a reflective day today. I went to my ex-boss's retirement luncheon at the local naval depot. I worked for him for just 5 or 6 years, right out of high school.... he was so stoic, so reserved, yet so wild under the surface .... it was incredible to see him, and everyone today at his retirement.... It has been a long time, over a decade, since I last saw them all. So much gray hair, so many wrinkles .... it's not fair! I had a dream about it before I even went ... dreamed I cried when I saw how old everyone looked.... then it really almost happened.

But I was so touched as his devotion to his wife.... he kept his cool, amidst all the formal, military-style kudos he received from one after another dignitary of sorts -- at least in a local sense.... he held it together, saying "c ya!" to a career of over 32 years ... and the ONLY place he lost it, was when he said, "I want to thank some people who have supported me throughout my career. I would first like to thank ...... " and out it came, the most crackled, happy/yet sad, laughing-while-smiling word I have ever heard .... "my wife..." He composed himself quickly, but he couldn't hide it -- he loves his wife, and he let it slip.... how beautiful... what more could you want in your life....

I had the same feeling when I watched the news following some of the inaugural ball coverage the night Barack Obama took office.... The first thing he said, at the first ball.... after wild applause and people freaking out, he waited until it got quiet again, and he said, "I first want to say to everyone .... Is my wife not good looking?" WTF? How did she find him? All that, and he is president, too? What?

The love of my life won't even admit to liking the same brand of hair conditioner that I do ... he is afraid to give a millimeter -- he would NEVER say that -- especially out in the public where other people COULD HEAR HIM!

But I felt beautiful today. I felt loved today. Not by him, of course.... but by my old work "family" and my "friends" and -- guess what??? I felt loved a bit by myself.... don't tell anyone please. I don't want to appear weak, or fragile -- because it didn't last long.... But if felt good -- it felt beautiful -- it felt warm. I savored the sound of another guy's voice that used to be my bosses' boss -- (Are you getting all of this,...?? :) ) He was "old" when I worked with him -- he hadn't actually aged much in the XXXX # of years since I last held his face in my eyes.... But the sound of his voice carried me back, carried me back to a time when I hadn't made so many bad choices -- hadn't made a lot of great ones then either, but it was soooo long ago .... and so much more innocent .... the pain has taken away my shell and exposed my weak, weak underneath ... my soul possibly -- do I have one?

Here is a question for us all: If your soul cannot or at least has not connected with another soul, and therefore no one sees it, and it has probably never really been seen -- does it still exist.......??

Do I exist................................ not really

fuck it......

Happy New Year....

Yes, I made resolutions ... resolutions to change, improve, quit all bad habits, lose weight, become organized ... Yes, I have set myself up for disaster.... Why do I do that? Why do we all do that? My biggest resolution is to either accept or reject this relationship that is stealing my soul....

Is it fair to hold onto someone you don't love, so you are not alone? Does it not steal their life from them? Does it not hold them from finding what it is they seek? Is it fair for them to die, and never had the chance to find a real love because some phony ass, soulmate-wannabee lied to them? As he holds onto his promise to "The One", and defends her honor, and believes himself to be superior because he is able to still hold onto the love he has for her after all these years -- but how honorable is it to steal my soul, steal my time on this earth.... As I have told him, I fear my true soulmate is out there, waiting for me, looking for me, and I am not there... I am not even free to seek him and love him.... because Mr. Virtue holds me captive as he awaits return of "The One", and if she doesn't return .... he will continue to burn a torch for her forever -- how fucking righteous and honorable of him..... or how fucking demented and cruel of him.

Why do I continue to believe that if someone confronts you withthe truth, you have no choice but to fold and admit how right they are??? Is it only me that does that? I look him in the eye and say, "I see nothing in your eyes anymore. I see no connection. You won't even hold my hand. We haven't made love in half a year or more. Let's just be honest here and let go of me. I will be very sad, but it's okay -- I'll be okay!" I tell him I would rather be alone than be in this relationship that is killing me. Yet the clock ticks on. My life keeps going .... without me.

I have closed the doors on most of my friendships. I have tons of friends, but none who REALLY REALLY know me. I had a friend since middle school who completely blew me away this weekend with her text messages and cruel-ass judgements. I have to release all the negative, really. I don't mind having some superficial, hanging out friends to laugh with and not share all the heavy bullshit that is me.... Just light, fun conversation always -- because they know nothing more about me. But when the night is over, and we part for me to return to the hell I have become, I am sad that they don't really know me. I feel alone. I am alone, within a crowd.

I used to think this man was magic. I thought he was incredible. I held him so high on a pedestal, that I think he began to believe that he was too far above me. He believes "The One" is this near perfect, mythical being. Why are my faults so obvious and so transparent, yet he has no ability to see her for what she is and for what she did to him? I stand by him constantly, even after he has hit me or pushed me, or worse yet, treated me cruelly. Does it add to her perfection to not be around to reveal her true self. Quite clever of her ...

I have thought this over again and again -- and I have concluded one thing and truly one thing only: The ONLY way this man will EVER love me or see me any different than he sees me right now, is if I leave him. If I shut the door on him. I think the realization would happen quickly, because I have been described as having that "Worn out blue jeans" feeling about me -- so comfortable, so easy to not notice me because I cause no discomfort, but when I am gone and you are forced to replace me with your nakedness or new jeans, you quickly realize that you cannot survive without me. I am so afraid to shut that door, so afraid that it will truly work -- again as it always has with every relationship I have ever had -- and I won't have the desire to open it back up. For now, I am still here. As long as I am here and giving it all I have, there is still a relationship to work on. But I quickly see things for what they are -- and a separation is the clearest lens for me. Once I shut the door, I more than likely will be locking it -- and not loving him truly scares and unnerves me. I certainly will not feel the loss of love -- as I have not felt it from his soul or body for over a year now. Does he torture me to impress her? Is that the kind of woman he chooses to love? One that smiles in my pain?

So I go to bed every night feeling so hopeless, so helpless, so worn out. I wake up renewed somewhat, able to be his pal.... Should I feel lucky to have a "pal"? Not everyone does...

Why can he not touch me? Why is he not drawn to me physically? I am exhausted.....