Happy New Year....

Yes, I made resolutions ... resolutions to change, improve, quit all bad habits, lose weight, become organized ... Yes, I have set myself up for disaster.... Why do I do that? Why do we all do that? My biggest resolution is to either accept or reject this relationship that is stealing my soul....

Is it fair to hold onto someone you don't love, so you are not alone? Does it not steal their life from them? Does it not hold them from finding what it is they seek? Is it fair for them to die, and never had the chance to find a real love because some phony ass, soulmate-wannabee lied to them? As he holds onto his promise to "The One", and defends her honor, and believes himself to be superior because he is able to still hold onto the love he has for her after all these years -- but how honorable is it to steal my soul, steal my time on this earth.... As I have told him, I fear my true soulmate is out there, waiting for me, looking for me, and I am not there... I am not even free to seek him and love him.... because Mr. Virtue holds me captive as he awaits return of "The One", and if she doesn't return .... he will continue to burn a torch for her forever -- how fucking righteous and honorable of him..... or how fucking demented and cruel of him.

Why do I continue to believe that if someone confronts you withthe truth, you have no choice but to fold and admit how right they are??? Is it only me that does that? I look him in the eye and say, "I see nothing in your eyes anymore. I see no connection. You won't even hold my hand. We haven't made love in half a year or more. Let's just be honest here and let go of me. I will be very sad, but it's okay -- I'll be okay!" I tell him I would rather be alone than be in this relationship that is killing me. Yet the clock ticks on. My life keeps going .... without me.

I have closed the doors on most of my friendships. I have tons of friends, but none who REALLY REALLY know me. I had a friend since middle school who completely blew me away this weekend with her text messages and cruel-ass judgements. I have to release all the negative, really. I don't mind having some superficial, hanging out friends to laugh with and not share all the heavy bullshit that is me.... Just light, fun conversation always -- because they know nothing more about me. But when the night is over, and we part for me to return to the hell I have become, I am sad that they don't really know me. I feel alone. I am alone, within a crowd.

I used to think this man was magic. I thought he was incredible. I held him so high on a pedestal, that I think he began to believe that he was too far above me. He believes "The One" is this near perfect, mythical being. Why are my faults so obvious and so transparent, yet he has no ability to see her for what she is and for what she did to him? I stand by him constantly, even after he has hit me or pushed me, or worse yet, treated me cruelly. Does it add to her perfection to not be around to reveal her true self. Quite clever of her ...

I have thought this over again and again -- and I have concluded one thing and truly one thing only: The ONLY way this man will EVER love me or see me any different than he sees me right now, is if I leave him. If I shut the door on him. I think the realization would happen quickly, because I have been described as having that "Worn out blue jeans" feeling about me -- so comfortable, so easy to not notice me because I cause no discomfort, but when I am gone and you are forced to replace me with your nakedness or new jeans, you quickly realize that you cannot survive without me. I am so afraid to shut that door, so afraid that it will truly work -- again as it always has with every relationship I have ever had -- and I won't have the desire to open it back up. For now, I am still here. As long as I am here and giving it all I have, there is still a relationship to work on. But I quickly see things for what they are -- and a separation is the clearest lens for me. Once I shut the door, I more than likely will be locking it -- and not loving him truly scares and unnerves me. I certainly will not feel the loss of love -- as I have not felt it from his soul or body for over a year now. Does he torture me to impress her? Is that the kind of woman he chooses to love? One that smiles in my pain?

So I go to bed every night feeling so hopeless, so helpless, so worn out. I wake up renewed somewhat, able to be his pal.... Should I feel lucky to have a "pal"? Not everyone does...

Why can he not touch me? Why is he not drawn to me physically? I am exhausted.....