Three Months Later ....

Am I still around? Am I still living in pain while I die of laughter? Uh.... yes? Yes.... yes. But the low and high points have rounded off a bit.... My emotions have become monotone .... but that was the whole point, wasn't it. Isn't that what he wanted? He has broken off the highs and lows -- Our bodies and minds are so amazing. They protect us, even when we don't try to protect ourselves. I could not have continued on with the depths of emotion that I used to feel ... for him. Sadly, I only love him half as much as I did. But why do I love him at all?

In this monotone new emotional wasteland I have carved out for myself has afforded me great advantages over the crying, unhinged woman I was.... and should have been allowed to remain ... but my mind took over, seeing that I was not capable of shifting gears myself. It happened while in emotional autopilot. I never even felt it happen -- but I woke up one day, unable to cry for him, about him, over him.... just unable to look at him the same. He seems to like it better this way.... who wants some woman (their wife) to be so in love with them? That's crazy talk there!! Ugh.... What has become normal to me is absolutely 100% against everything I have ever believed or wanted to believe.

He told me, convinced me, that I was his soulmate -- but now, I have convinced myself that he is not. He surely has felt that way all along -- but I think he wished that perhaps I could BECOME his soulmate if he pretended it to be true...

Soulmates are not created by ourselves. Soulmate is that feeling you have upon meeting someone that you have always known them, in some way, some familiarity of their face or even just their smile. You feel drawn to it. You feel as though you have known them forever .... But how many times have we all been fooled into thinking this?

I almost married Andy -- so close. The love I felt for him, or should I say "love", was intense. I could see my past and my future right in his blue eyes. He looked at me like no one has ever looked at me. He treated me like a princess. I felt so loved. I felt like I had found the place where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.... But as our lives played out over several years, it became apparent that again I had stupidly fallen based on my emotions... Looking back I could barely see what happened through all the red flags between myself and the person I thought I was when I was with him. He was married when we met -- and he left his wife immediately -- once his balls became large enough to admit to me that he was married. That red flag should have cracked me right in the ass -- knocked some sense into me... But it didn't.... Long story, but he was a fake. Perhaps the love really was there -- and I know that he did truly love me and that he still does -- but he was fake all around -- I fell in love with someone that wasn't even him, but was what he wanted to be -- but couldn't.

Anyway, my point is, we are all foolish -- we have no clue what our souls have been through, or who they have known.... they probably have never known anyone... I would have never said that a year and a half ago, but I am saying it now.

I am skeptical of everything.

Nothing is as it appears.

Trust no one.

Sad, but all true.

As I live in a world where I receive no unsought attention, where no one thinks of me and my feelings first, where no one makes me feel loved or wanted ... I continue forward, because I know at least what direction to go. I just wish I could migrate there with someone who felt like my best friend. Someone who would look over to find my hand, or someone who cared enough to just look back at my face and see my pain and distrust -- someone who would stop our journey together and refuse to move another minute unless I felt better, felt loved. He likes me to feel unloved - makes him feel better than me. Makes him justify his lack of respect -- because I do not show any respect for myself....

My improvements are tiny, recognized only by myself. But I have improved. I am gathering strength within this life and this relationship -- because I have no other choice. But it doesn't matter what the reason is, as long as I gain strength. That strength will either make or break this relationship net I am tangled in. Sometimes my strength seems to make him like me more. Maybe? But who wants to have to figure it out, find the answers to the puzzle. Who makes someone work so hard for so little?

I know who does -- a man who is in love with someone else, a man who resents his life every single day of it because this isn't where he wants to be. But he doesn't want to be without it either -- because loneliness would be worse for him, I guess. But how fair is that to me? I say to him, "Please, please -- Just be true to your heart and leave if you don't love me. Let me go out and find what I thought I found in you. My dreams are to be in love, to feel loved ... its not fair to hold me back from that. I only have one life...

But he stays... does that mean he loves me? But why doesn't he love me like he used to love her? Makes me sick.... Makes me want out.... Strengthens me....