Don't be scared...

My anger is real, but it is not a threat to anyone. Never has been. I swallow my anger like a Tylenol Extra-Strength Gel-Cap -- almost too big to take, isn't it??? But not for me.... I could O.D. on the fuckers without so much as a cough, much less a choke.

The swallow factor is as real as the day is long -- or as real as the night is long... cuz they are oh, so long.... almost unbearably so. Do you know that I cry myself to sleep almost every single night..... ? As you avoid me as much as you avoid yourself.... You wanna believe you are that same macho lover, able to please tall 20-year-olds in a single bound .... fuck you, liar. You can't tackle an old lady in 100 bounds now.... but you live in your own fantasy and you think I am not good enough for you.....

Can anyone tell that my anger and freak levels are up a bit. Maybe I should issue colors, kind of like the "terrorist threat" level. I'll announce it each day -- so you know how to proceed.....

Seriously though, .... I know YOU and EVERYONE else in this world knows exactly how to proceed based upon my feelings --- YOU SIMPLY PROCEED DESPITE ANYTHING that I in particular convey to you, about you, toward you ....

I look with my big brown eyes up into the eyes of each of you -- all ZERO of my audience, and beg you to see me for who I am for once -- I m special. I could make you feel special.....

No! Not "short bus" special ....

Big CAT Bus with air-con and a public bathroom-special.... I go all out for my men.... I'll make you feel like a bus, sure as shit....

Kidding ....

But seriously, at this point, the bar is quite low. If you can breathe without a ventilator, kiss me without having some "memory issue" that makes you feel disgusted .... can maintain a hard-on long enough to make us both breathe heavy and feel the O, hey, you have beat out your stiffest (no pun intended....) competition....

I know no better anymore....

But I do have this beautiful doctor man, begging for my attention, begging for me to love his beautiful, intelligent, rich self ... but guess what -- the SPELL IS NOT FUCKING BROKEN for me, like it is you. I remain faithful.... but not for much longer. I need .... I want .... I desire .... I require ......

Please give me a round of applause for holding out for the nastiest, most narcissistic, most inconsistent, dishonest man that has ever graced me with his presence. I have known some freaks, but baby -- you take it all for your cold, mother-fucking ice-cold, treatment you give me consistently day-in and day-out.

Saving it all for someone else -- someone getting the best of you as I sit here, like an asshole, believing all your lies, believing where you SAY you are.... fuck you, H .... Almost said it..... Husband -- YOU SUCK!!

Hard Night

Feeling the bullshit tonight.... angry, sad, disappointed, devastated, defeated, tired, suicidal?, homicidal?, worn down, frustrated, hateful, sinful....

I am reaching the point of no return.

I have had it with him.

He doesn't even appeal to me anymore.

No one appeals to me today.

I haven't had sex in months.

I haven't felt desired in a year.

I haven't been desired in a year.

I don't know why I am not desired ....

He won't tell me why I am not desired.

I think he is having an affair -- being loyal to her by making a fool of me, and breaking my heart.

I think he is ruthless.

I think he is a fucking cold-hearted shell of a man.

He has no joy left in his soul ... not for me.

He is a coward, because he cannot tell me to my face ... he plays games.

I hate games.

Games hate me.

There is a very thin line between love and hate.

Today I feel my connection between my hate and my anorexia...

I miss being a child.

I miss being loved.

I miss sex.

I miss everything.

I miss my friends.

I hate.

Goodnight y'all.

Fuck off -- to the man I love. You know exactly who you are. Not that you would ever desire to read anything I ever wrote -- even if I spent hours and sent it to you as a gift. You make me cry. You do not know me. You don't know how I really feel -- nor do you desire to know. So to you -- if I had the balls to be honest with you -- I would tell you to fuck off -- go away and don't ever come back. Have no memories of me -- because they are all the shittiest memories I have ever known. You lied when you said you love me. You are a fucking liar. And you treat me like shit every chance you get. You don't know what love is.

You think you have the manual????? The manual on "How to find a chick that will suck me dry of anything she can and then make a complete asshole out of me, only to live in her memory for the rest of my pathetic life -- as I lie to the people I meet because I am such a pussy that I cannot get over the girl that made a fucking asshole out of me" - YEP baby, you are the author of that tall tale.

So proud of yourself, aren't you. Too bad the "Spell" can't be broken.

I HATE YOU MOTHER FUCKER. DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Can anyone sense my moodiness today? Perhaps chocolate will help..... A chocolate axe to chop his head off maybe???????????????????/ Fuck HIM!