New Life

Still crazy after all these years....

Hello all y'all.... had a reflective day today. I went to my ex-boss's retirement luncheon at the local naval depot. I worked for him for just 5 or 6 years, right out of high school.... he was so stoic, so reserved, yet so wild under the surface .... it was incredible to see him, and everyone today at his retirement.... It has been a long time, over a decade, since I last saw them all. So much gray hair, so many wrinkles .... it's not fair! I had a dream about it before I even went ... dreamed I cried when I saw how old everyone looked.... then it really almost happened.

But I was so touched as his devotion to his wife.... he kept his cool, amidst all the formal, military-style kudos he received from one after another dignitary of sorts -- at least in a local sense.... he held it together, saying "c ya!" to a career of over 32 years ... and the ONLY place he lost it, was when he said, "I want to thank some people who have supported me throughout my career. I would first like to thank ...... " and out it came, the most crackled, happy/yet sad, laughing-while-smiling word I have ever heard .... "my wife..." He composed himself quickly, but he couldn't hide it -- he loves his wife, and he let it slip.... how beautiful... what more could you want in your life....

I had the same feeling when I watched the news following some of the inaugural ball coverage the night Barack Obama took office.... The first thing he said, at the first ball.... after wild applause and people freaking out, he waited until it got quiet again, and he said, "I first want to say to everyone .... Is my wife not good looking?" WTF? How did she find him? All that, and he is president, too? What?

The love of my life won't even admit to liking the same brand of hair conditioner that I do ... he is afraid to give a millimeter -- he would NEVER say that -- especially out in the public where other people COULD HEAR HIM!

But I felt beautiful today. I felt loved today. Not by him, of course.... but by my old work "family" and my "friends" and -- guess what??? I felt loved a bit by myself.... don't tell anyone please. I don't want to appear weak, or fragile -- because it didn't last long.... But if felt good -- it felt beautiful -- it felt warm. I savored the sound of another guy's voice that used to be my bosses' boss -- (Are you getting all of this,...?? :) ) He was "old" when I worked with him -- he hadn't actually aged much in the XXXX # of years since I last held his face in my eyes.... But the sound of his voice carried me back, carried me back to a time when I hadn't made so many bad choices -- hadn't made a lot of great ones then either, but it was soooo long ago .... and so much more innocent .... the pain has taken away my shell and exposed my weak, weak underneath ... my soul possibly -- do I have one?

Here is a question for us all: If your soul cannot or at least has not connected with another soul, and therefore no one sees it, and it has probably never really been seen -- does it still exist.......??

Do I exist................................ not really

fuck it......

Happy New Year....

Yes, I made resolutions ... resolutions to change, improve, quit all bad habits, lose weight, become organized ... Yes, I have set myself up for disaster.... Why do I do that? Why do we all do that? My biggest resolution is to either accept or reject this relationship that is stealing my soul....

Is it fair to hold onto someone you don't love, so you are not alone? Does it not steal their life from them? Does it not hold them from finding what it is they seek? Is it fair for them to die, and never had the chance to find a real love because some phony ass, soulmate-wannabee lied to them? As he holds onto his promise to "The One", and defends her honor, and believes himself to be superior because he is able to still hold onto the love he has for her after all these years -- but how honorable is it to steal my soul, steal my time on this earth.... As I have told him, I fear my true soulmate is out there, waiting for me, looking for me, and I am not there... I am not even free to seek him and love him.... because Mr. Virtue holds me captive as he awaits return of "The One", and if she doesn't return .... he will continue to burn a torch for her forever -- how fucking righteous and honorable of him..... or how fucking demented and cruel of him.

Why do I continue to believe that if someone confronts you withthe truth, you have no choice but to fold and admit how right they are??? Is it only me that does that? I look him in the eye and say, "I see nothing in your eyes anymore. I see no connection. You won't even hold my hand. We haven't made love in half a year or more. Let's just be honest here and let go of me. I will be very sad, but it's okay -- I'll be okay!" I tell him I would rather be alone than be in this relationship that is killing me. Yet the clock ticks on. My life keeps going .... without me.

I have closed the doors on most of my friendships. I have tons of friends, but none who REALLY REALLY know me. I had a friend since middle school who completely blew me away this weekend with her text messages and cruel-ass judgements. I have to release all the negative, really. I don't mind having some superficial, hanging out friends to laugh with and not share all the heavy bullshit that is me.... Just light, fun conversation always -- because they know nothing more about me. But when the night is over, and we part for me to return to the hell I have become, I am sad that they don't really know me. I feel alone. I am alone, within a crowd.

I used to think this man was magic. I thought he was incredible. I held him so high on a pedestal, that I think he began to believe that he was too far above me. He believes "The One" is this near perfect, mythical being. Why are my faults so obvious and so transparent, yet he has no ability to see her for what she is and for what she did to him? I stand by him constantly, even after he has hit me or pushed me, or worse yet, treated me cruelly. Does it add to her perfection to not be around to reveal her true self. Quite clever of her ...

I have thought this over again and again -- and I have concluded one thing and truly one thing only: The ONLY way this man will EVER love me or see me any different than he sees me right now, is if I leave him. If I shut the door on him. I think the realization would happen quickly, because I have been described as having that "Worn out blue jeans" feeling about me -- so comfortable, so easy to not notice me because I cause no discomfort, but when I am gone and you are forced to replace me with your nakedness or new jeans, you quickly realize that you cannot survive without me. I am so afraid to shut that door, so afraid that it will truly work -- again as it always has with every relationship I have ever had -- and I won't have the desire to open it back up. For now, I am still here. As long as I am here and giving it all I have, there is still a relationship to work on. But I quickly see things for what they are -- and a separation is the clearest lens for me. Once I shut the door, I more than likely will be locking it -- and not loving him truly scares and unnerves me. I certainly will not feel the loss of love -- as I have not felt it from his soul or body for over a year now. Does he torture me to impress her? Is that the kind of woman he chooses to love? One that smiles in my pain?

So I go to bed every night feeling so hopeless, so helpless, so worn out. I wake up renewed somewhat, able to be his pal.... Should I feel lucky to have a "pal"? Not everyone does...

Why can he not touch me? Why is he not drawn to me physically? I am exhausted.....