Still crazy after all these years....

Hello all y'all.... had a reflective day today. I went to my ex-boss's retirement luncheon at the local naval depot. I worked for him for just 5 or 6 years, right out of high school.... he was so stoic, so reserved, yet so wild under the surface .... it was incredible to see him, and everyone today at his retirement.... It has been a long time, over a decade, since I last saw them all. So much gray hair, so many wrinkles .... it's not fair! I had a dream about it before I even went ... dreamed I cried when I saw how old everyone looked.... then it really almost happened.

But I was so touched as his devotion to his wife.... he kept his cool, amidst all the formal, military-style kudos he received from one after another dignitary of sorts -- at least in a local sense.... he held it together, saying "c ya!" to a career of over 32 years ... and the ONLY place he lost it, was when he said, "I want to thank some people who have supported me throughout my career. I would first like to thank ...... " and out it came, the most crackled, happy/yet sad, laughing-while-smiling word I have ever heard .... "my wife..." He composed himself quickly, but he couldn't hide it -- he loves his wife, and he let it slip.... how beautiful... what more could you want in your life....

I had the same feeling when I watched the news following some of the inaugural ball coverage the night Barack Obama took office.... The first thing he said, at the first ball.... after wild applause and people freaking out, he waited until it got quiet again, and he said, "I first want to say to everyone .... Is my wife not good looking?" WTF? How did she find him? All that, and he is president, too? What?

The love of my life won't even admit to liking the same brand of hair conditioner that I do ... he is afraid to give a millimeter -- he would NEVER say that -- especially out in the public where other people COULD HEAR HIM!

But I felt beautiful today. I felt loved today. Not by him, of course.... but by my old work "family" and my "friends" and -- guess what??? I felt loved a bit by myself.... don't tell anyone please. I don't want to appear weak, or fragile -- because it didn't last long.... But if felt good -- it felt beautiful -- it felt warm. I savored the sound of another guy's voice that used to be my bosses' boss -- (Are you getting all of this,...?? :) ) He was "old" when I worked with him -- he hadn't actually aged much in the XXXX # of years since I last held his face in my eyes.... But the sound of his voice carried me back, carried me back to a time when I hadn't made so many bad choices -- hadn't made a lot of great ones then either, but it was soooo long ago .... and so much more innocent .... the pain has taken away my shell and exposed my weak, weak underneath ... my soul possibly -- do I have one?

Here is a question for us all: If your soul cannot or at least has not connected with another soul, and therefore no one sees it, and it has probably never really been seen -- does it still exist.......??

Do I exist................................ not really

fuck it......