Let Me Explain Myself....

It's all really very simple, yet complicated. I would like to explain to you who I am .... but I am not really sure -- yet I know exactly who I am. I am very calm / yet very unsettled.

I am a blend of every opposite you can imagine... and some you can't.

I am myself .... yet I am really only those around me.

I allow myself to be defined by everything around me. Or at least how I perceive everything around me.

Is it my perceptions that are always wrong?

Or am I always right, but haven't found myself in the presence of someone honest enough to admit it.

I can't tell. I am confused. I can't go on sometimes ... yet I am also the happiest person you have ever known.

Maybe I shouldn't offer to explain myself -- realizing that I have no clue. Sometimes.

Other times, I know exactly who I am and exactly where I am headed... until someone decides to alter the "me" that I am...

I couldn't have titled this blog, or myself better. I am living in pain. All the time. It is there, just behind my eyes, waiting to push out a tear to release the pressure inside. Sitting on the edge of my tear ducts, weak and pathetic.... Yet able to endure anything and everything, but still hold onto the tears -- sheer strength and optimism, greater than any you have known.

It is all of this turmoil inside -- all this strength, all this weakness, all this happiness, all this pain, all this indecision, that forces me to live a life of PAIN.

PAIN

Pain

pain

Whilst I die of laughter...

I laugh a lot. I laugh hard. I laugh deeply. I laugh at myself and my faults -- as though I am confident.

You are probably thinking to yourself, as we all do -- that I have no idea what true pain is ... You probably think that you feel more pain than I do.... please be rest assured, that if you met me or if you know me, you probably don't recognize these words as mine. I rarely share my pain. You see me dying of laughter. And you are right about that -- I am dying of laughter. Not literally.

Perhaps the title should have been Dying from Pain While Laughing ... That actually more justly fits the playbill of what is my life... and it truly could be a show -- probably more of a sitcom than a broadway show.

If you wonder where all my pain comes from, wonder if you can relate to any of it at all, again I can reassure you that you can. I am sure that somewhere inside you, you share my pain in some way.

As my first blog of hopefully many to come, I will stop being so vague. Because this is therapy for me, writing this blog, that is .... I need to cut right to the chase. My pain levels are so high currently, that I have longed for an outlet, for a way to release it whilst still holding those tears.

In brief summary, I am a 41-year old woman. I have three children, all to my ex-husband to whom I was married for 14 years. I have had all very painful, very emotionally volatile relationships with the men I have loved. Who hasn't .... but I have so much trouble rescuing myself from these relationships. That is my stupidity, combined with my extreme intelligence...

I am not your conventional everyday woman. I started a business from the mobile home that my husband and I purchased as our first "home". It was a 1970 mobile home, in a horrible trailer park -- a very stereotypical trailer park .... sweaty, dirty, chipped pain on most of the homes, runned down cars sitting in front of these long, square shaped homes... A park of dashed dreams for most residents. But not for me. You could easily pick out my "mobile home" (sounds better than "trailer" kind of?) I applied a new coat of white glossy pain to our home. I planted flowers out front. I put candles in my windows, much like people with "real homes" did. I took pride in my humble, humiliating existence. That was where I spawned the business that I continue to slave over today. I hate it, and I love it.... Contrasts everywhere. Confusion. (as she steps up the fight against the tears trying to escape as she recalls her pain even then, so long ago...)

Now I live in a beautiful, castle-like home that I had built eight years ago. But I can't afford it... I struggle to afford it ... struggling to justify the mortgage payment that is $5,000 every month. I do afford it. But it seems excessive to me. Just another stupid mistake from a highly developed, highly intelligent mind. Almost does sound like I have a little bit of confidence, doesn't it.

Stay tuned long enough and you will learn how little confidence I have ... but you will be amazed at what I am able to accomplish with the incredibly tiny piece of it that I do have...

I am the most incredible, intelligent, beautiful ... yet most ridiculous, stupid, ugly woman you have ever known or even read about. You'll see..... I'm so sorry ... you will see....


Pain pain PAIN

Confusion.