Checking in.... nothing has changed.... well at least not for more than a half a day... I tried to explain to my love yesterday that (still no sex, in case anyone was wondering....) if neither of us are being fulfilled emotionally or physically, then really we are just friends -- and not very good friends either most of the time. I suggested that it probably was not healthy to stay together if we are just going to be friends. I explained how everyday I feel resentful and by the time I go to bed every night, I am hating him all over again....
I think he genuinely is far weaker inside than he allows me to see. Most of the time I see this mean, cold, venomous man who shoots venom on me at every chance -- but sometimes when the venom is heading towards him and not away from him, he tends to show his weaker, more needy side. I truly feel capable of walking away from him now.... and I don't want to seem like I am just lying in wait for him to fuck up so I can walk without guilt -- but I just have such serious doubts that he can continue to be kind or at all loving (I don't require much really....) that I am kind of just watching and thinking and planning ahead. I have never been torn down to nothing as I have allowed this man to tear me. Words like asshole, fucking asshole, fuck-up, loser, paranoid, insane, fucking crazy -- are commonly used terms by the man who I call my love..... my hate is my love.... weird.... I used to feel this bond to this man -- as if from another time or place -- and he told me he felt it -- but he obviously was wrong... and so was I. How disappointing.... I still want to believe it -- still hoping he might realize his true love is really for me afterall....
Yes, I am a dreamer.... and an asshole, fucking asshole, loser, fuckup.....
Sorry - not much time to chat... too much on my mind...
PS: i am a brunette these days. just for a couple of days now -- but its temporary. Letting my dark side show for a bit? Yep....
XXOO
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Even if you go dark, for some reason, you'll always return to blonde... It's a nice change while it lasts though!
I wish that I could read more posts of you "dying of laughter" and not just "living in pain." I suppose I've been guily of venting online and only posting the bad (or even worse...not posting at all, which has been my most recent habit...), but for some reason, I doubt you're filtering a whole lot.
I guess I just wish you could be happy. I don't know how you do it, really. You just keep going so well! ...I probably would have given up long ago!! I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you really are strong!
I don't want to sound cheesy or cliche, but don't forget that you loved life, once upon a time. I know you've laughted your guts out before...don't forget. And don't forget people care; even if their random people who only know you from reading you virtual life. I hope that you can find love and happiness, just make sure you are looking in all the right places!
Have a wonderful day!
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