Feeling a lot like.... the same? shit.....

Yes, the same-old, same-old .... that is all I can seem to do with my life. Same feelings, same whining, -- but perhaps with a new twist -- a new man I will blame for the pain..... but it is their fault, isn't it?? No? Seriously!

But guess what, despite my occasional lapses of stupidity -- I truly do believe that it is NOT MY FAULT! Adults need to be accountable for their own actions, including the men who tell me that they love me. My latest "True Love", my husband, who I have felt a love for unlike anything I have ever experienced -- he rejects all emotions and feelings that connect to anything that is me... What keeps him from connecting.... afraid he may actuaally find an insubordinate role in this relationship we have attempted to carve out over the last 24 months, that feel sometimes like 24 years....

I have never felt closer to walking.... yet I continue to hold out, waiting to see how the show ends... does it end? When faced with the possibility, my beloved seems to be uncomfortable with it. But why? Would it not improve all those aspects of his life that he holds me responsible for reuining? Is it not soon going to be autumn, and is he not still hopeful that his life will return to the ridiculous image that it was several years ago, when "the one" (truly a slut with a heart of a cold fish -- probably a pirhana.... " and by the way -- she is now FAT -- probably kind of gross, but I'm just sayin'......

How immature of me to be unfairly critical of another woman -- another creature who endures the woman bullshit that plagues us all.... so I am sorry -- no offense to the FAT woman who actually owns my husband's heart and soul -- only because he's fucked up in his head..... "I want to be mean to those who care about me and treat me like a man, like a human -- yet I am still in love with the ones who lie, cheat, and treat me like an asshole.... Those were the days.... I never felt like such an asshole ever .... wish she'd come back and convince me that she is honest, only to make a complete fucking moron out of me -- she was worth it.... the perfect kiss ever.... so perfect I can't even make love to the wife I lied to and promised to love until death." Or should I say Deth (if you recall an earlier post..... quite symbolic of how much of an ass I AM!!!!! )

What could possibly be the reason to lie about such a thing, to try to convince me of its validity??? Is he simply afraid to be alone?

We had another wicked -ass fight a couple nights ago. I can honestly recall it all, and I can say with all the honestly in the world that I did not deserve what I got during that little episode. I didn't deserve the blows to my side to knock the wind out of me -- I didn't deserve the "you are a fucking asshole" "Shut your fucking mouth, asshole" statements -- but those don't even phase me anymore. That's like a gnat flying near my face -- NOTHING!!! I didn't deserve to be kicked as I crawled from him on the floor, trying to leave the room he occupied in his very obnoxious, violent way..... but that escape would enrage him .. cause him to treat me like I was a bad dog, crawling after doing its "business" on the floor.... but I didn't. I didn't spew any business in his direction - but I did question him. I did actually voice a real opinion that was "spawned" inside the brain de me..... He hates those. He doesn't like when I have them....

He is afrfaid of me? Afraid of losing me, so he drives me off first? Kind of like, wishing that if I am not in love anymore, that perhaps I join the list of proverbial "car accident" victims -- like the last.... its much easier to explain that someone is dead, than it is to admit they just don't love you anymore.

My heart aches for you, my beloved husband. It does. It aches because I am with you, and it aches even more because I endure you. You would respect me more if I didn't endure you -- if I REFUSED to fucking endure you.....

He is as many things as he isn't many things.... it is a conflict ... he is a conflict, as am I. Is this what we hold in common? Is this what bonds us -- the fact that we have nothing with with to bond -- because we have loved ourselves into the ground with which we will someday join as our bodies rot into the Earth .... never remembering the love we gave or the pain we caused.....

My journey continues..... thanks for hanging by my side..... no one COULD ever love you the way I do -- if I knew you.... I love harder, laugh louder, yet cry with more pain than anyone you have ever known or ever read about in books ..... I die a thousand deaths everyday in my mind.... longing to join my mind out there in the great "white" open that I believe death to be ... or should I say Deth. Fuck you, Deth, for being the object of my husband's attention -- the attention that I once had, until he learned how to hate me better than anyone could hate anyone.

So, just die Deth.... Just die my husband ... But don't.... Don't really ... I just feel horrible venting, but feel so incredible venting.... my life is turmoil.

Turmoil.

turmoil.....

TURMOIL>>>>>>>......


Hate.... pain ..... death..... suicide .... Deth.....

Please offer me some strength -- someone, anyone???