My Painful Realization

It took longer than I had imagined to get back to this blog -- to the writing... It takes so much out of me, trying to be open and candid with only myself. I figure things out as I write, and today, I cry as I write.

Today is the anniversary of the date that I met my husband.... He was so beautiful when I met him, and I fell so quickly in love with him. I hadn't realized it right away, but I knew him in high school ... hung out as friends with him for a while. Rediscovering him as I turn 41, and he 40, it almost felt like our lives had come full circle and brought us both right to the exact place where we needed to be.

But this one year has passed, and as I reflect back upon the past year, I am not feeling good about where I am. I have heard the term "toxic relationship", and I feel that every relationship I probably have ever been in could be considered toxic... So maybe I am the toxic factor?

There I go showing my tiny, worthless self esteem again. He has called me an asshole so many times that I now truly believe I have become one. In one day he can be the cruelest, rudest, coldest, most distant person I have ever had the joy of loving... but just when I feel strength to walk, he shows the side of his personality that I fell in love with. It's not fair! It's not fair! And I cry harder as I say those words inside my head, so I don't wake him up.... This blog would enrage him. So my ID is anonymous, because I have no other outlets for all the pent up feelings that I dare not show -- a show of emotions to him causes even more problems. Its like he then sees me as weak, and like a tiger would attack a wounded dear, my tiger leaps upon every chance he has to wound me more and more.

He used to be an internet junkie when I met him -- belonging to every dating, sex, and social networking site there is. In fact, that is where I first saw him last year - Match.Com.... I didn't belong, but I saw his profile.

It was a struggle for me -- he would have dozens and dozens of "friends", some clothed, but mostly not... He stood up for these friends and didn't want to part with his buddies, but he did. He did it so I would "shut up"... He had written blogs in some of these sites for years -- every twist and turn of his life, as he describes his undying love for another women in his past. He told me she died in a car accident, and after we were married I found out that he had lied about her. I never figured out why?

So why couldn't I ever be the topic of such a blog? Had he lost interest in writing suddenly -- was I not inspiration like "the one" was? He told me that now he has it figured out -- I really am "THE ONE", but time -- a very short time (one year....) has shown me otherwise. This man honestly does not love me in any way, shape or form -- yet he will not admit that to me?

He was unhappy at the job he had when I met him -- very unhappy. I was busy beyond belief at my own business. I invited him to join my staff -- help me generate the kind of income I used to make when I wasn't so bogged down with details. He jumped into the job with two feet - as he does everything -- and he was incredible.

But he couldn't hide his displeasure for my presence... I have felt since just a few weeks after our marriage in December, that he actually seemed to be repulsed by me. We went from 5 or 7 x daily sex, to no sex at all. It has now been so long, that the distance between us sexually has grown to the point where I feel uncomfortable being naked in front of him. Yet there is no reason. .... I am 5'2", size 1, long blonde hair, and a 36G bust. I attract attention wherever we go -- and I have always been a kind, fun loving, free spirited girl my whole life, so I like attention and especially the healthy positive kind. But I get none from my husband anymore. Somethiing happened to repulse him and I am unsure what that is... Of course, asking him would be simple -- and I have, but he denies anything and everything.

Yet he makes comments about our home being like Hell, calls my children demons or my "spawns". He hates my choice of music. He hates the way I dress. He hates my dogs. I should start over and list the things he doesn't hate -- um.... oh yeah, I really don't think there is much of anything he likes.

Did I mention that my husband is a "fashion photographer". I realized quickly after marrying him that most of his photographs were taken of naked women -- erotic photography I think it is called??

Then I find things on his computer that prove to me that he was still corresponding with quite a few ladies after we met and planned our marriage.... not admitting to many of them that he had even met me. I think that is why he just simply deleted his websites instead of mentioning me on there -- letting them know he was unavailable. This way they could just wonder, and he could pop back in the scene whenever he wanted.... but then he started to join new ones after we were together. November 27, just 4 days before we were married, he joined "Tagged" under just his initials and a fake address.

But then also in November, he was acting strange in the middle of the night - I had gone to the kitchen for a drink just as he came in the garage door with his phone.... I asked him if he was on the phone with someone in the garage and he denied it, but he also called me paranoid and turned it on me and he went to bed angry with me. When I woke up in the morning, I saw his cell phone lying there, beckoning me to it like it wanted me to know. There, in his deleted folder of his text messages I found a full back and forth text-session with someone whom he refuses to tell me their name.... can you say mother fucking agony? Only part of the conversation was captured there -- and read by me.... I read things in it that I cannot ever forget and it hurts as though it just sliced me a day ago. But when the phone bill came, I could see the 100 or so back and forth text messages, starting at about 9:30 in the evening and ending in a full "call me when you are about to cum" message, at which time they spent 10 more minutes on the actual phone.

It hurt so fucking bad! God damn it! Can I tell you how bad it hurt? Can I tell you how badly I wish I had turned and run right then!? But he begged my forgiveness -- and I fell for it. I believed in him and thought maybe he learned his lesson.... but what lesson did he really learn? He was only sorry because he was caught!!!!!'

So, from this point on, I have been a wreck, literally. He even joined a Russian bride website right before our marriage.... WTF?

He tells me constantly how unstable I am, and how I need "help"..... but I think deep inside he really does know that it is him. He takes what is the truth, twists it to the opposite, and tries to convince me that I am wrong.

He is arrogant and egotistical as all hell. He is a narcissist.

But I have allowed this man to completely annihalate me mentally. He has me feeling trapped -- trapped by how much I love him, vs. knowing I need out to save my own life. I have pondered suicide as an option so many times because I truly believe that breaking away from this man will be more pain than I can ever survive...

but why??

did he take my intelligence too?

Please join me on my journey out of this relationship. I have chosen to journal it as a way of trying to wade through all of it.

I can't let my children witness my complete destruction at the hands of yet another man.

Its odd -- oddly ironic I guess. This man who has weakened me and beat me up emotionally and even physically a few times, throwing me off the hood of his car as I begged him not to leave me -- but he is turned on by strong, independent women.

So, now that he has taken every bit of strength and independence from me, I have to stand by and watch him look for a new, younger, prettier replacement.... His friend sent him a "Join StumbledUpon.com with me dude! It's awesome!" invitation and he bit.... Yesterday I looked at his profile and saw that he is awaiting a friend request for a girl in our town who is 29 years old and her name is Deth. I felt that familiar pain in my gut. When he seemed to be in a mood where I could bring it up, I did.... He truly did "stumble" over that one, lying through his teeth. I tried to argue with him -- It said he is a "fan" of this Deth.... He said that you automatically become a "fan" of someone if you like the same websites they do..... NOT! You have to hunt down and then request to be a fan.... And it hurts me so much that she lives right here -- like he is looking for a hook up? Duh!!!! Fucking Duh! Ouch.... I cried myself to sleep last night as he lay drunk next to me, laughing at me and telling me I am fucking unstable. I asked him to please say something to make me feel better before he fell asleep and he flat out refused, wouldn't even hold my hand. What did I ever do? He actually tells me that "i treat him like shit".....

I have no reason to lie to a one sided blog .... doubtful that any eyes will ever see this .... but I am so good to him. I file his nailes, buff his feet callouses, massage his back and hands, tell him everyday how beautiful he is and how wonderful he is ... I tell him how much I love him and tell him things like "I will love you forever".... and he just says things like, "Goals? I have no goals! I gave up on having goals a long time ago." Or "You pulled me into your sinking ship and I am not going down with it." He makes me sound like such a loser....

I can't listen to myself think these thoughts any longer right now. I'll try to stop back regularly and vent things, blow by blow, as I cannot temper my emotions much longer and that is a sure death threat to this relationship....

I tried playing hard to get and like I don't give a fuck ... he just ignores me completely.

Nothiing has ever felt so painful in my entire life.

Fuck this bastard. I love him!